Page 89 of Captive Vows
She was messing me up in the worst of ways, but I couldn’t see how I could even go about fixing it now.
What, was I supposed to just go and apologize? I never told anyone I was sorry. I wasn’t that smug, but everything I did in my life was a deliberate choice I would stand by. That coldhearted ruthlessness was how I’d become the boss and ruler that I was in this city. That was how I was the master, the leader, never the loser.
With her, though, Iwassorry. I hated that I had been so stuck in my head and in my thoughts that I couldn’t realize that we were pushing each other too far away all this time.
How could I start? Approaching her would be a challenge when she was still too aloof.
Would it even matter now? From how sad and numb she’d sounded when talking to Alexsei, I had to face the very real possibility that there was no way to reclaim her and get us back to where we were.
Vodka warmed me inside and out, but it was her heat and her affection I wanted to course through my veins. Getting drunker by the second as I tried to drown my sorrows and regrets, I knew it was her sway over me that I wished for. I wanted to be intoxicated by her again, nothing else.
Fuck it.
I can’t do this.
I can’t stand by and watch her become any more of a shell.
When I lost Maria, it changed me.
If I were to screw up with Gabriella, a second chance the universe never should have teased me with, I wouldn’t recover. Ever.
Leaving the study, I resolved to just see her. To check on her. To bask in her presence, even if she was already asleep.
The night wasn’t so young anymore. Striding down the hallways and climbing the stairs to my personal wing, I hated that she’d been toughing out this pregnancy all on her own. She never asked for help. She never requested a spa day or massage. She had to be so damn tired, physically as she carried our child and also to put up with my bullshit.
Because that was what it was.
I was a fucking dumbass to resist her in this game of pride.
I didn’t fight kindly. Life wasn’t fair. But this was all on me. I’d own it.
Stepping into her room, I stayed as quiet as I could so as not to startle her. I didn’t want to risk pissing her off like this, showing up uninvited when she really did need her rest.
The moment I closed the door behind me, I closed my eyes at the smell of her in this room. Her lotion. That shampoo she favored. Even the scent of her skin, somehow unique and even tastier when I could kiss and lick her anywhere I pleased.
She was asleep. The lump of her on the bed proved that she hadn’t stayed up for any reason. Just the sight of her gave mesuch a poignant pang of longing that I stifled the grunt that almost left my lips. Seeing her was a sucker punch to the gut. That was how much I’d been missing her like an idiot.
Alexsei was right.
Our fight had gone on too long.
If this was the time for forgiveness, then so be it.
As soon as I was sober in the morning?—
A sniffle.
Then another.
I froze, squinting to see her in the darkness.
I was wrong. She wasn’t asleep. She was faking it. Apparently, she was masking the fact that she was crying as she lay with her head on the pillows.
The sound of her so sad ripped at my soul. I had to stop this. I couldn’t stand by and witness the results of my cruelty. Stumbling forward, I stubbed my toe against a table.
That was all it took for her to jackknife. She sat up as she slapped her hand at the nightstand, turning on a low light. As she met my gaze, she wiped at her cheeks. Like that could erase the evidence of her tears.
“Gabriella…”
