Page 125 of Run, Run Rudolph
“What would you like?” he repeated back to me.
I know he was asking about us, but it also felt like an invitation to finally speak all of my dreams to someone who’d listen. No judgement, no gentle corrections. He’d just listen to what was in my heart. Something I’d only recently learned to listen to.
I tried to take a half step back and break his grip, but he held me tight, flexing those strong arms that could hold a frightened goat.
“What do you want, Trademark?”
My fear felt like lava forcing its way up through my throat, ready to spew forth. I felt mocked by life, by fate, and the magical realm.
I wanted easy. For the first time in my life, I wanted a man to love me the way I was. I wanted him to fit into my life like he belonged there, as if he was an integral, important, vital, and happy part. I was so exhausted by trying so hard, and pretending, and putting so much into a relationship just to make it fly.
His arms gave me a light squeeze, locking me into his embrace, and I loved it while simultaneously fearing it.
“I want a life here in Eagle Ridge,” I confessed. “A full one. I want my own farm with animals. I want love. I want a man who is easy to be with, and always has my back.”
My whole body felt weak and shaky, like it had been forced to be strong on its own for far too long.
“Someone who says nice things to me, and makes me feel like I can do anything if he’s there with me,” I added.
My voice was thick and wet from held-in tears. A small voice inside my head told me to shut up, that I was humiliating myself with my raw vulnerability. But if Haden and I were going to start something, I wanted to start it off right, and in the direction that would allow me to be my fullest self.
“I want someone who cares about me and what I want,” I continued. “Who believes it’s okay if I want something different, or if I change my mind. Someone who believes that nothing about me needs to be changed or kept small or made bigger. I need someone who won’t give me a weird look when I dream up something to try out an idea. Or when I stretch and aim for something really ridiculous.”
“And what do you want right now?” Haden’s tone was curious and kind.
“Everything! Nothing! I don’t know.” I gave a slight maniacal laugh, the feeling of being in such a vulnerable limbo testing every fibre of my newly acquired self-assurance. “I want to start barrel racing, even though I’ve never done it, and I feel too old to start, and it’s scary.”
“Okay.” He gave a short nod, like it was all taken care of. Done.
“Okay what?”
“Go do it.”
“Go do it?”
It was like the air had been sucked out of me. This conversation was supposed to be about us, not him telling me to pick up a frivolous new hobby.
“Right. I’ll just walk over to my money tree and…” I swung an arm through the air.
“You have a decent horse—old and retired, but experienced. You won’t be able to compete with her, but she’ll teach you. Slowly. And you have the space to train so you can test the idea.”
“But I want it right now. The practice barrels, the training, the truck and horse trailer.” I swallowed a hard sob. This was why I didn’t dream big. It was all so hopeless. Too much to accomplish. My stomach caved, letting me slouch. “And how did this become about barrel racing and not us?”
The skin around his eyes crinkled. “Because—” he took my hands again, and I let him, “I want a happy woman.” He snuggled my body against his. I risked letting my cheek rest against his firm chest. His flannel shirt was cozy and soft, his heart thrumming a steady beat of calm. “I want someone who’s following her dreams, and able to speak up for what she wants.”
He lowered his head, resting his cheek against my crown. “In case you haven’t noticed, that woman is you.”
I shifted so I could look up at him.
“It is?”
“I might listen to every word you say, TM, but you also have to say things so I can hear you.”
I nodded. That made sense. I hadn’t always done that with Kade, and I realized it was silly that I’d assumed he’d know what was in my heart and mind, as well as my dreams.
Haden did a good job listening to me, as well as reading my thoughts and feelings. But it wasn’t his responsibility to always be the one figuring me out. I needed to make a point of sharing things that were important to me, too.
Haden stroked my cheek again, and I leaned into his palm like a cat. He let out a long sigh. “I wish you’d wanted me first. Before him.”
