Page 73 of Unless It's You
Suddenly I realize how complicated having any kind of relationship with Ethan would be. Ben will always be around. He’ll always be Ethan’s best friend. Would Ben approve of me and Ethan dating? If he knew what I was doing with Ethan last night, would he be here smiling at me like this, just so I can check my bucket list itemoff? I doubt it.
Gemma’s words ring in my head. Do these two best friends tell each other everything? But the man across from me does not know about Ethan’s bedroom door, or the couch, or the kitchen... Nope. No way.
“That’s not what I said, I don’t think.” I attempt a casual smile. “And it’s definitely not what Aunt Evelyn said.”
“Yeah, I know. I read your messages again when I first got here. Sorry to have freaked you out.” Ben rubs his clean-shaven face, a sheepish grin on his face. “But I want to say right away, I don’t think breaking up was the right thing to do.”
“You don’t?” The breath whooshes out of my belly.
“No.” He leans forward, resting his elbows on the table, his expression as serious as it could be. “It was my fault. I know that. I scared you by asking you to move in. I brought up marriage and kids. I moved too fast. You panicked and bailed.”
“I don’t think it happened exactly like that.” Nerves rumble in my belly and an uncomfortable giggle escapes my throat. But didn’t it? There’s more to the story, sure, but that’s the heart of it.
Ben cocks his head at me and raises his eyebrows. “Really?”
“I did feel things were moving too fast. I wasn’t ready to move in. And you said I wasn’t girlfriend material. Or wife material.” I go over it in my head. Yeah, it happened that way.
“Stella, I’m so sorry.” Ben reaches over and takes both of my hands in his, intertwining our fingers together, keeping his eyes locked with mine. He rubs his thumbs over my palms, and I focus on the touch.
Nothing happens.
No tingling, no bursts of energy, no desire running up my arm. His thumb drifts to the butterfly tattoo on my right wrist and I jerk my hands away. He grunts softly and glances down at his empty hands.
There’s more I need to say.
“It wasn’t just the moving in thing, Ben, or you telling me I’m not girlfriend material. I’d told you I didn’t want to have kids, andyou brought it up. Again and again. Don’t you remember?” Sitting here across from him, the memories come flooding back. He’d said we could live in his flat for a while, and he’d kick his roommate out, and then we could move somewhere bigger if we ever needed a nursery. The way my soul flew out of my body when he said the wordnurseryto me. I felt like a terrible person for not wanting that. I love it for other people... but not for me.
Ben sighs, his mouth turning down to a frown.
“I was serious about not wanting to be a mother. And you told me I wasn’t mother material... which is okay, but still made me feel like shit. And that’s just not something I’m going to change my mind on.”
A shadow flickers over his face.
“I’m sorry about that. I was going through a hard time and felt you pulling away from me. A bunch of people around me—friends from back home, from university—have been settling down and starting families. I got distracted for a bit and thought it’s what I wanted. Whatwewould want. And sometimes people change their minds. But you’re more important to me.”
I’m frozen. I’m not going to change my mind. In the background, I’m vaguely aware of groups of people coming in and out of the bar, which is getting more crowded, the noise level rising.
“It’s so loud in here, can you come sit next to me?” Ben pats the space next to him, and I move around the table to sit next to him. There was a lot of me following his directions when we were together. It was nice in one way. To be told what to do.
Unless I lost myself in his baby blue eyes and his well-planned life.
Unless it wasn’t nice at all, and it was all a trick, a way to hypnotize me into wanting what he wants.
Unless I found myself livinghislife, not mine.
I face him, our legs almost touching, thighs just inches away from each other.
“I was thinking that maybe I don’t have to have kids to behappy. Maybe we can try again, and I promise not to bring it up ever again.”
God, the forlorn look on Ben’s face right now. I feel for him.
At this point, I’d normally clam up, stop talking, and push him away. But maybe I can be honest with him. Really honest. Maybe I can do this differently.
“Ben, you can’t compromise your wants and desires like that. Listen, you told me I wasn’t girlfriend material. That hurt, but you were right. I wasn’t. At least not for you. Maybe we’re simply not right for each other.”
But wait.
Ben ignores that last part. “I never meant to say you aren’t girlfriend material. I don’t even remember that. I was lashing out.” His face crinkles and his eyes fill with concern, tenderness, affection.
