Page 75 of Unless It's You
Stella’s right in front of us, her jaw dropping open, eyes wide.
“Hey...” Stella flits her gaze fromGemma to mine and freezing there. “Ethan.” She whispers my name. “What are you doing here?”
“Ethan’s here to help, uh, document this for the bucket list,” Gemma says in a voice that’s too high.
“Damn.” Stella unfreezes and grabs one of my forearms, attempting to slide a hand down to mine, but I’m locked with my arms against my sides, ungiving. She doesn’t let go, her hand frozen at the crook of my elbow. “That wasn’t what it looked like. I promise you. I swear to you.”
She steps closer to me, and Gemma melts backward, attempting to give us privacy in Ben’s crowded fucking local. More people have arrived, and the view of Ben’s table is completely obstructed.
“You lied to me about tonight.” It’s a statement. A fact.
She shakes her head, her blond hair swishing with the movement. “No. I mean, yes. Fuck.”
“You kissed him.” Another fact. My voice is colder than I mean it to be, colder than it’s been in weeks with her. Not since I opened myself up, left myself vulnerable—too vulnerable. A helpless child, or a teenager in love. So naive.
“Hekissedme. I didn’t tell you about tonight because it was too awkward, too weird, after everything that’s happened...”
“It was all a mistake.” I wish I could get more out. Say more. Express how I’m feeling, but that part of my body has shut down, doors locked, the key dropped in a sewer drain.
“No. It wasn’t a mistake. Ethan.” She steps closer to me, her second hand on my other elbow. “Please. Let’s go somewhere quiet and talk.”
This is too much. I shake my head, not answering.
“I just wanted to finish this, and then go tell you about it afterwards. I didn’t want you to have to deal with it. Not when it had to do with Ben. But I figured it all out.”
We’re so close. It would only take a slight movement to open my embrace to her, let her into my arms. Into me.
But I can’t. Because now I really understand.
My heart squeezes to life and emotions burst free, bleeding out all around me. Absolute love for her, but also anger. Resentment. Devastation. Regret.
Betrayal.
Not betrayal by Stella. I now see so clearly—like I thought I had before, but hadn’t—she was never really mine. She’ll never be mine.
It’s my betrayal to Ben that’s killing me. Here I was, rationalizing falling for Stella, convincing myself that it’s okay for me to be with her since they’ve been broken up for six months and he’s dated other people. That a tiny bit of betrayal would be okay, and that Ben would get over it, and our friendship would remain intact.
I can’t believe I almost screwed up my relationship with the person who has been the most loyal, the most supportive, the most loving of my entire life. Ben and his parents have done everything for me.
No woman is worth risking that.
No matter what I feel for her. No matter how perfectly she fits in my arms, in my bed, in my heart.
“Ethan. Please. Say something.”
I draw every kilo of strength inside me to end this thing between me and Stella.
“Whatever is happening between us—” I try to swallow, but my throat feels too scratchy, too swollen. “It can’t continue. It’s over. I’m sorry. I have to go.” I shake off her hands and rip my eyes from her shocked face, then stride toward the pub exit, knocking into people along the way, just like I thought I would.
Outside, a cold London mist is falling, denying that it’s summer, and it fits. The perfect setting to have ended my misguided attempt at loving someone.
“Ethan!” Stella’s right behind me. She darts around until she’s in front, and I’m forced to stop. She reaches up her arms, touchingthe sides of my face with her hands, and the lightning that sparks from her body to my center floors me. “Please. Let me explain.”
“No,” I say softly. “Letmeexplain. I’m not mad at you, Stella.” I let myself put my hands on her waist and she moves against me. Fuck, the feeling of our fully clothed bodies touching is too distracting, it’s too much. I must end this, once and for all.
I push her gently away with my hands, then tug on her arms until they are no longer touching my face. It’d be easy to lean into a kiss. But that would make it impossible for us to part tonight.
“Then what’s going on? I don’t want to be with Ben. I know that now, Ethan?—”
