Page 76 of Unless It's You
“Even if that’s true, he clearly wants you on some level. And I can’t compete with him. Iwon’tcompete with him. He’s my best friend. He’s my family.”
“But... I just came here to finish number five. I really tried to do it like Aunt Evelyn told me to. I searched for the answer to her question. And I found it.”
“You found it kissing Ben?”
“Yes,” she whispers. “I don’t want to be with him.” Stella steps forward and her hands lift. She’s going to touch me again. I can’t let her do that. I hold out my hand, palm first, because this can’t happen.
“When I first started dating Helen long ago, she showed up at the flat I shared with Ben.” Maybe if I give her more background, she’ll understand. She’ll let me go. “Helen told me she loved Ben, not me. I pretended like I didn’t care, and had to watch them together.” My voice breaks.
I hate how pathetic I sound. I won’t sound like this ever again, I promise myself.
“She chosehim,Stella. Just like you did after we first met. And even if I could betray Ben—which I can’t—I can’t ever be someone’s second choice. Never again.”
“Oh, fuck, Ethan.” Tears shine in her eyes. “You’re not, I promise. I told you why I said yes?—”
“Stop. Please.” I cut her off and shake my head too hard. A dull headache has already formed, pulsing behind my eyes like a drumbeat. This is all too much. I need to walk away. “I can’t do this with you, Stella, I told you. I’m so sorry.”
She whimpers and moves her head in disagreement, much more subtly than my movement.
I hesitate for a second, then lean forward and press my lips to her forehead, letting myself linger for a second too long. She sighs and touches my chest with her hands.
“Ethan . . .”
“This is over, okay?” I murmur, my lips still against her skin, memorizing the feel of it. “I’ll sign off on your bucket list. We’ll finish the commercial. Then, no more.”
“No!”
I pull back and force myself to turn and walk away, not looking at her again, convincing myself with each step that this is the right decision.
Stella’s voice drifts toward me, calling my name.
I can’t compete with Ben. And I can’t be someone’s second choice, the way I have been, over and over.
Butfuck,the feeling of losing Stella is worse than the other two combined.
I’m making the right decision. I need to go back to the way I was before. I’m the one-night stand bloke. No second dates, no texts the day after. I’ll beat my heart into submission until I’m back to being the dark, troubled loner I’ve always been.
31
STELLA
Istand in the rain for what feels like an eternity before Gemma appears by my side.
“Is he gone?”
I nod, unable to squeak out a word. I keep picturing Ethan’s look of utter resolve when he told me it’s over. The betrayal was written all over his face. Helen’s betrayal, my betrayal, and his own perceived betrayal of Ben.
There’d be no coming back from this—not for us. I know it in my soul.
“Oh, Stella. I’m so sorry.”
My purse is still strapped over my shoulder. I shake my head.
“It’s all my fault. I totally fucked it up. This is all... fucked.”
“I’m sorry,” she says again, and when I look down at my own best friend, her eyes are wide and filled with tears. “I should’ve texted you right away when he showed up. He wasn’t mad at all, he wanted to be there for you, so I thought... But then you and Ben...” Gemma bites her lip. “What happened back there, Stella? I really thought the night would end differently than this.”
“I made a mistake. More than one.” I shake my head and let Gemma hug me, leaning into her supportive touch, but knowingshe can’t fix this. She didn’t mess up. I did. “I gotta go, okay? I need to think. I’m gonna walk to the next tube station.” I peel her arms off me and back up a few steps.
