Page 28 of One Hundred Lights
I snap a photo and send it to Britt.
Me
Need another box of lights?
There’s nothing in response.
I wish I knew what she was thinking. That I could tell her what I am thinking.
I wish I could tell her I love her.
I close my eyes and breathe in through my nose. What is holding me back? I’d upset my ex-wife. I’d upset my daughter. I’d feel like a bad person.
Seriously good reasons, actually.
But those things are all happening anyway. Should I punish myself forever for the mistakes I made in my marriage? Is that how it’s supposed to work? Maybe it is, but it doesn’t feel right. Last night, this week, all those hours spent with Britt. That felt right. Good. Pure. Not wrong.
Nothing happened with Britt while I was married. I didn’t know she had feelings for me. I didn’t let myself consider falling for her, not on any kind of conscious level.
But now, I’m divorced. And I need to figure out a way to live the rest of my life. Could I make it work with Britt? Even if some people would hate it?
I could talk to Chelsea. Convince her of how much I love her and that I’ll do everything I can to be the best father possible.
I could talk to Reese. Tell her about me and Britt. Do it in a way that makes her feel like a friend. Is it possible? I don’t think so, but at least I can remove volatility—which infiltrated all of my parents’ interactions—from the conversation. Maybe it wouldn’t have been as bad if my folks had been able to keep their emotions under control and just dealt with the reality of their situation. Maybe they would have divorced years earlier and kept things civil.
Maybe Reese and I could do that.
I’m sure she hates me right now, but maybe over time, we can develop a better relationship. Be the best co-parents we can. Maybe even be friends, like Britt so desperately wants.
My phone buzzes in my hand.
Britt
I think we’re good with lights
No smiley face, no heart emoji, nothing. I need to talk to her in person. I want to tell her I love her.
That I’m in love with her.
Me
Can I see you tonight?
Britt
I can’t. I have Jackson and we’re doing movie night
Me
Tomorrow?
Britt
We have lunch plans at noon with my parents
Me
How about after that?
