Page 30 of One Hundred Lights
“We have a good time, right?” I try so hard for Jackson. It’s why I left my corporate job to make sure I’m home and around whenever he needs me. It’s why I cared so much about the dance—not only because he misses Chelsea. I always think about decorating the Christmas tree just right, getting the stockings up, doing all the holiday things to create a warm, loving place for him to call home.
But it never feels like enough.
“Yeah.” He nods and meets my eyes in the rearview mirror. “The dance was fun. I really liked that.”
“Good. I’m glad. We tried to make it special for you kids.”
He’s silent for another ten minutes and I turn on a playlist from my phone for background noise. More children would have been amazing. I would’ve loved to have a big, loud house with people everywhere. Never alone, never lonely, always exciting.
“Mom?”
“Yeah, dude?”
“Are you gonna have more babies?”
Well, shit.
I let out a squeaky laugh. “Oh, man. I’m not sure, Jackson.”
It’s possible. I’m only thirty-two. But to open my heart up like that again to a man and a baby? I can’t picture it.
Kids. I let out a rush of air. They have a way of poking their salt-covered fingers in the raw wounds of your biggest insecurities.
“Okay.” The fidget spinner clicks as it rotates.
But then a fully formed vision springs up in my mind. One of Adrian and me living in my house, Jackson in his room, Chelsea taking the guest room as her own, and my study converted to a nursery. I picture Adrian dancing with me in the kitchen, his hand steadying my pregnant belly, music on in the background, kids laughing, joy filling every corner of the house.
Isn’t there a way for it to work? For me and Adrian to be together? My stomach tightens into knots strong enough to secure a cruise ship.
Couldn’t we all co-parent together?
I pull to a stop in Jackson’s friend’s driveway.
“Bye, Mom!” He flings himself out of the car and I roll down my window, my insides swirling with the gorgeous vision.
“I’ll pick you up in a few hours.” I wave to Alex’s mom and back up onto the street.
I need to get home to think, to get that vision out of my head. But it’s sticky. It grows and becomes clearer as I get closer to home.
Should I deny myself that joy if there’s even a tiny chance of it happening? But would I be able to live with myself? Forgive myself for screwing up my friendship with Reese? Could I let it go?
I turn into my driveway, only noticing Adrian’s SUV at the last moment.
14
ADRIAN
Oh, fuck, she’s here. I peek out through the blinds of the Idea Garage as Britt’s car turns into the driveway.
Please don’t let her think I’ve crossed the line. Please don’t let this be a giant mistake.
But it isn’t. It can’t be. Even if she rejects me, I’m just being true to my feelings and embracing the passion I feel for her. It’s not all bad and destructive. I love this woman, and I plan on laying it all out in front of her. I’m going to offer her everything I have.
And if I fail? At least I tried.
Britt brakes when she sees my SUV in her driveway. There’s no backing out now. I look around and stifle a nervous chuckle.
I went Over. The. Top.
