Page 44 of Hidden Vows
I remember the way he couldn’t look me in the eye when he told me about the affair and the way his voice was completely void of any emotion.
Now, though, he won’t stop looking me in the eye, and all I hear when he speaks is emotion.
“He’s tried to talk to me about all that happened back then, but I won’t let him,” I whisper, opening my eyes again.
“Why not?” Quinn asks.
“I’m afraid.”
“Of what?”
“Learning even more was a lie.”
“Abbey—”
“No,” I interrupt Ava. “Like I told Jude, I don’t want to focus on the past anymore. I’ve let it run my life for too long. I just want to focus on my future.” My eyes bounce between the three women, and while I don’t see pity in their eyes, I do see sadness. “I don’t want you to treat Jude any differently now that you know.”
“Abbey—”
“And I know it’s not fair of me to ask, but I’d appreciate it if you didn’t tell the guys.” In the silence between us the three of them share a look. “Besides, none of us are the same people wewere when we were nineteen. It’s not fair to assume Jude is either.” Ava opens her mouth but snaps it shut quickly. “He deserves to visit with his dad in peace, and if you won’t do it for Jude, do it for Walt.”
“Oh, that’s just dirty.” Ava stands from her seat by my feet, moving back to the couch. “But for Walt, I’d do almost anything.”
“Thank you.”
She studies me for a moment, her eyes and face clearing before she speaks again. “If Gage asks, I’ll tell him you’ve asked to keep it between us. I’m sure he’ll respect that, but I won’t lie to him.”
“I can respect that,” I tell her.
Quinn and Emily agree to do the same as Ava, and slowly the three of them move on to happier subjects, but I can’t focus on them to save my life.
Quinn is right. Even having experienced that night and those weeks after, I can’t fathom Jude cheating on me. He’d hurt himself before he hurt me. But then, why would he lie about something like that? And why is it only now that I’m realizing it?
—
August 28, 2020
Do you remember that night it all ended? I still wish I could forget it. I still wish I could take it all back.
Nothing had been the same since that night I came home drunk. Just over two months married, and I forced you to throw it all away.
I wish I found a different way to make you see that our being together would never work, but at the time, the only way I could see you letting us go was to make you hate me.
It was the coward’s way out, but it accomplished what I needed it to.
I hope somewhere deep down, you know it wasn’t the way it seemed. Hurting you broke me in a way I never thought a person was capable of hurting. You are the love of my life, and you always will be.
I’ve lived in countless cities, traveled to a dozen countries, and met people from all walks of life. Not a single person has come close to making me feel the way you do.
If I could do it all over again, I would. Even with everything I’ve experienced and learned over the last twelveyears, I’d give it all up to be with you again.
Nothing and no one has given me the peace I had with you by my side.
I want more time with you, Abbey.
I want it all with you.
twenty
