Page 117 of Only You
‘Maybe.’ Selene took another sip, concentrating on how the burn of the alcohol coursed through her. Perhaps shots would make the conversation easier. It was getting more and more tempting to lose herself, to escape. Her guilt felt like the endless ocean she hated so much.
‘I promise I wanted to make his service,’ she told Nora. ‘There was a test and I tried—’
Nora patted her arm, the touch soothing her guilt a bit. ‘Nobody’s blaming you, hun. It’s good you’re focusing on your life.’
‘I left him,’ she whispered, the full weight of her guilt covering the three words.
‘The first words out of your mouth after he died were “I can’t be here.” I’ve never seen you look as scared as you did right then,’ Nora told her, running a finger along the rim of her glass. ‘Whatever reason you had for leaving must have been good enough.’
Selene bit her lip. She didn’t know why she had been terrified of Jack finding out but something in her gut told her to hide. She looked down at the diamond ring on her finger. The sight of it brought a bone-deep dread that had her longing for the caress of smoke on her lips; nowadays, she never seemed to smoke enough. For the moment, she settled for a sip of her drink.
‘Jack said the service was beautiful,’ she said, trying to get the conversation back on track.
Nora stayed silent, and Selene looked up to see the beauty staring pensively at her before her gaze turned pitying. ‘It was, but he wasn’t there.’
The revelation felt like a punch to her gut and Selene couldn’t help but drop her jaw. ‘Wait. No… no, he went. He told me about the service and how Haze called most of the attendees hypocrites for only showing up after Demir was dead.’
‘You should talk to your fiancé, because I don’t think we’re close enough for me to go any further in this. However, I do know he wasn’t there, and I stayed until the end.’ Nora waved down the bartender. ‘Park, make me a sidecar, would you?’
The world was a blur as Selene got out of her seat and stumbled out of the bar, her mind spinning with images of Jack in a black suit as he dropped her off at school. He hadn’t even picked her up because he was supposedly at the repass. So, now… neither she nor Jack were there for Demir in the end.
Her stomach twisted dangerously, and she stepped onto the kerb quickly, throwing up the drink and small breakfast she had. She heaved painfully until the noise turned into sobs. She struggled to pull out her handkerchief to calm herself as she realised Demir had been doomed from the moment he met her.
Wiping her mouth, the sour taste of bile was heavy on her tongue, but there was nothing she could do about it. She shivered as she walked home. The tremors felt like they came from deep within her gut, exhaustion urging her to lie in the street and let the world be done with her. Instead, she pushed on.
There was something she needed to make right, even if it was too late.
‘Sel, this is crazy,’ Jack announced as Selene stuffed her things into a suitcase.
‘Maybe’ she said. ‘But it’s over. I can’t do this anymore, Jack.’
‘Do what?’ She didn’t answer him as she focused on gathering her clothes. She shoved her notebooks amongst the hastily packed clothes and trinkets. She hadn’t been diligent, grabbing whatever was hers without regard of whether she truly needed it; she wanted to make sure she didn’t have a reason to come back.
‘Sel, just stop! You’re out of your mind!’ He grabbed her bag and tried to pull it away from her.
‘Stop it!’
Startled by her scream, Jack dropped the bag’s handle. The sound of their heavy breathing filled the room as they stared at each other, and he looked at her in disbelief. She didn’t know how to feel. Years of her life were being torn into shreds by her decision, a whole lifetime with someone she still loved, over someone that she’d met less than a year ago.
But she could no longer hide behind the dreams Jack had for her. She’d had someone that believed in her, whether or not he was by her side. Demir had made her feel grounded and without him, there were only whispers of the things that made sense in her life.
Still, a part of her wanted to stop, if for nothing else than to not break Jack’s heart. He was hurting, too. Yet, even as the thought formed in her mind, she knew she couldn’t. He had created this reality just as much as she had, and she couldn’t marry him as if she were okay with it. She couldn’t keep that big of a lie.
‘Take it,’ she said. ‘I don’t care. I can leave the bag, but I have to leave.’
‘Sel, enough. This is just your grief talking,’ he reasoned, almost desperately. ‘It’s okay; I get it. I miss him, too! But we can’t let his ghost dictate our lives.’
‘You miss him,’ she asked incredulously. ‘You didn’t even go to his funeral! You lied to me!’
His eyes widened and she watched him scramble for an excuse. He threw his hands up hopelessly. ‘S–So, it can’t be hard for me to see him like that?’
Selene narrowed her eyes in disgust. Even now, he was trying to act as though she was ignorant. Knowing this wouldn’t be a quick conversation, she dropped her suitcase. ‘That’s not why you did it,’ she seethed. ‘And that’s rich, considering he was your friend first.’
Jack’s expression darkened, and she took a cautious step back. While she would love to trust him, there was no telling how he would react.
‘You know what, forget it. You want honesty? Fine. I didn’t go. Actually, fuck him! All right? You happy?’ Jack’s yell pierced her chest, and his own façade was gone. Now that she was looking, it was clear it wasn’t just jealousy. A part of JackhatedDemir. ‘He could do all the things I couldn’t and didn’t appreciate it for a goddamn second. Hell, he screwed us over! He took New York from us! And don’t bullshit me, Sel. I know you two were too close. You’re doing all this over a man you once said you hated! Hell, I don’t even know if you would mourn me like this!’
Selene winced but straightened her shoulders. ‘You know good and well that if you died, I would feel like my heart was ripped out. I loved you for most of my life!’ The look of shock on his face made her anger dissipate, and guilt ate at her resolve. Still, she took a deep breath and forced out the words, ‘But you’re right. I lied about, Demir.’
