Page 2 of The Love of Our Lives
‘So,’ I say mock-innocently, as we wander along, ‘did you get those fabulous silver trainers in the end?’
Jess shoots a guilty smile at me. ‘I’m sorry, but I had to. They matched with everything I had too well.’
I let out a laugh and point down at my feet. ‘Of course, they bloody do, I picked them first.’
She grins, and I give her a gentle nudge.
‘So,’ Jess says, in the same light note as mine, ‘are you excited about your big day?’
I glance up at the balloons in my favourite colour. ‘Yes, of course.’ I say brightly, even as my stomach contracts.
Because exactly one year ago today, I got a new heart. Due to a progressive genetic heart disorder.
‘More to the point—’ I say, pushing the anxiety away ‘—areyouexcited about your big adventure coming up?’
Jess pauses, her face unreadable behind her sunglasses.
‘I guess so,’ she says eventually, ‘but I’d be much happier if I knew you were coming to visit. You could come help us get settled in even, see the sights while you’re there?’
‘Come on, Jess,’ I try to say in an upbeat voice, ‘you know I can’t go anywhere yet. Maybe next year, though.’
She looks disappointed, her brow furrowed in that way she does, and I can’t help feeling bad.
It’s not like I’m not desperate to visit her when they move to Amsterdam in two weeks’ time for her teaching job. Jess is my sister – my best friend too, these days – and I’d love to go away somewhere, anywhere, after not being able to for pretty much the whole of my life. But there are consequences to pushing myself.
And she knows that better than anyone.
‘But how can you not come visit us in the house thatyoufound us?’ she continues. ‘Which, by the way, is amazing. Did you see the open-plan space for the boys?’
I laugh as I catch a glimpse of them in the wooded area ahead. Hunter launches himself out of a tree he definitely shouldn’t be on. ‘I had them foremost in mind, if you can believe it.’
Jess puffs out air, looks ahead, and I get that weird sense again – the one I’ve had a lot recently – that she’s not telling me something. At first, I put it down to the move, but more and more recently she’s felt sort of distant. And we’re never distant from each other – argumentative sometimes, yes, but that’s different. It’s not the same as it was with Cat, of course, where we finished each other’s sentences and called at the exact same time – I could tell Cat needed a packet of her favourite peanut M&Ms just by looking at her, and she knew when I needed to put my head on her lap and just stop. But Jess and I are still close. We had to be, after everything.
Heading up on to the pathway next to the lawn, the green grass seems to glow in the sun. There’s a steep slope ahead of us, and I find myself pausing.
I start walking up, but, just as fast, an image of Cat appears in my mind. My breathing quickens, heart pounds; I come to an abrupt stop.
‘You all right, Maggie?’ Jess says, appearing beside me. She grips my arm, gives me a determined look. ‘Come on, I’ll do it with you.’
‘No, it’s OK,’ I say, smiling at her. ‘I’m just going to walk around the side.’
A flash of worry crosses Jess’s face, and I hate how pathetic I sound. But I don’t want to strain myself.
Not today of all days.
Footsteps crunch over the gravel behind us, and I turn around to see Mum running across.
Shit.
‘What’s happened? Are you OK?’ Mum’s voice is tense and breathless, and I realise now how that must have looked – me stopping dead in my tracks like that.
‘I’m absolutely fine,’ I say quickly, and walk back down the hill. ‘I was just saying I’m going to go around the other way, that’s all.’
‘All right,’ Mum says, ‘all right.’ She takes a deep breath herself. ‘I’ll come with you.’ Turning back, she yells, ‘Iain, she’s OK!’
With the picnic basket and chairs tossed somewhere behind him on the path, Dad nods, but I can see the strain and sweat on his face as he turns to go back for them.
Slightly deflated now, I head around the long way with Mum and Jess. We walk across the lawn, past picnic blankets and sunbathers, before Mum inevitably stops at a shady patch – I can’t be in the direct sun for long with my immune system the way it is these days.
