Page 41 of The Love of Our Lives
‘I guess I thought I’d come close to it once . . . but maybe not.’
‘Why not?’
I pause, unsure how much to reveal. The truth is so complicated. ‘We were just in very different places of our lives,’ I say eventually. ‘And in the end, he didn’t want the relationship quite enough to stay with me, so I let him go.’
Adam looks thoughtful for a moment, and I think he’s about to tell me something, when a gust of wind crosses us and he seems to stop himself.
‘I have something for you,’ he says, and reaches down under the table. A second later he places a white cardboard box in front of me and the moment is cut short.
‘I’m sorry it’s not wrapped,’ he says.
I smile quizzically at him. ‘What is it?’
He raises his eyebrows. ‘You’ll just have to open it.’
Taking the lid off, I peer through bubble wrap to see something black inside. Pulling it out, I look at him, amazed.
‘I think it’s the right one,’ he says quickly, leaning over. ‘I had a chat with the guy in the shop and he said that it was good.’
I look at the lens again, look at him. After the dinner set-up, it’s probably the most thoughtful thing anyone has ever done for me, though it’s not the lens exactly; it’s the sense that he understands that I’m wanting to grow and to change, and he’s 100 per cent behind me on it, no matter the outcome.
‘Thank you,’ I say finally.
For a moment, I don’t know what else to say, so I take the camera from the side of the chair, twist the lens into place with a satisfying click. I walk across to the twinkling railing and stare out across the city. The wind canters across my face as I raise the camera to my eye, zoom in on all the old spires and puffing chimneys and little squares of yellow on the buildings below – snapshots of life: a man washing up dishes in one; a woman laughing to someone in the background; two kids jumping up and down on a bed; a couple collapsing back on the sofa together.
I can see it all so clearly from up here.
What it could be like.
A scuffing noise. Lowering the camera again, I turn to find Adam right beside me, and he’s looking at me in this way thatmakes my heart beat faster than ever before. And this feeling, which started in my chest earlier, slowly spreads out around my body.
Is he about to kiss me?
Oh god, I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Then he turns and looks out towards the castle, and my stomach plummets. Maybe I’ve got this all wrong. Maybe that’s what he was talking about earlier, when he said he didn’t feel like how he should have about Claire. Maybe he also meant like us?
‘Told you it would be good for photos up here,’ he says, leaning forwards on the railing. I do the same, our arms just touching, and I can’t help but feel desperately sad for a moment.
‘Have you had a good evening?’ he asks, turning to face me. I feel his warm breath close to mine. My stomach does that flip again but I try to still myself.
‘I have,’ I say softly, then add, ‘You’re a really good guy, Adam.’
He smiles at me. ‘I just like being around you, Emily. Even if friends is as far as this ever goes.’
And in this moment, I know he doesn’t see me as he saw Claire at all, and I know this was that other feeling he was alluding to, because I’m pretty sure I feel it too. It’s been growing there for months now and, suddenly, it’s like a flame has been ignited in my chest.
He’s about to turn back to the castle again, when I reach for his hand and then our mouths are pressed against each other, and I have no idea who initiated it, him, me, both of us together, but it doesn’t matter. We kiss in the night air, the taste of him new and familiar all at once, and I fall into it completely, pressing my body up against his, while his arms wrap tightly around me.
And with the fairy lights surrounding us and the starry sky above, everything else fades away to nothing.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
In the morning, it takes me a little longer to come to and, for a moment, I feel something like terror.
Has it all stopped?
Has Adam gone?
