Page 42 of The Love of Our Lives
Then I roll to the side and I see the clock and the dreamcatcher, and I heave a sigh of relief. Because if I’m honest with myself, I’d be devastated if I was back in my old life right now with my quiet existence and Mum checking in on me every two seconds. I’m not ready to go yet.
Then last night all comes back to me and I press my eyes tightly shut at the awful way we’d parted in the end.
But how had that happened? It had all been going so well, with the perfect evening up on the terrace and the lens he’d given me for my camera. That magic kiss under the night sky.
We’d kept kissing later, I remember, back down on his bed. It was like once the tap had opened between us, it wouldn’t stop, and it had felt like the most natural thing in the world, his mouth on my mouth, my neck, the perfect weight of him on top of me, for a time. But although everything in me had screamed for more, there was something still stopping me, and I’d found myself pulling back sharply.
‘Are you OK?’ he’d asked hoarsely, pulling back too.
I’d nodded in the darkness, but internally I had felt the anxiety rushing up again.
‘It’s all right,’ he’d said softly. ‘We have all the time in the world to get to that.’
And I’d wished to God that were true.
‘Are you still coming up to Aberdeen with me tomorrow? I leave at nine,’ he’d said at the door just before I’d left. He’d been standing in the dim light, bare-chested, his hair tousled from where my hands had been in it, and it had taken all my willpower just to take a step away.
‘I’m not sure,’ I’d said finally. ‘I told Fran I’d help her finalise some honeymoon stuff. I can’t let her down.’
I had felt Adam pausing and my heart had bled for him – for me too. But all I could think of was the pain I’d gone through after Nick left, of that feeling of being left behind like that.
‘Are you sure that’s it?’ he’d said, frowning slightly now, and I’d known he’d seen right through my lie.
‘Well,’ I’d started, ‘the thing is, I just don’t want to get into something here, if one of us is only going to leave at the end of it. I don’t want anyone to get hurt.’
His eyes had sparkled. ‘And were you planning on leaving tonight?’
‘No,’ I’d said slowly, ‘but who knows what could happen; I might go back to . . . London, or you might decide to disappear off somewhere.’
A cloud had crossed his features then. ‘And who said anything about me disappearing off?’
I’d paused. ‘Well, Sven said you would usually be away travelling by now.’
‘Just because I usually do something, doesn’t mean I always do, Emily,’ he’d said, but there had been a distance in his words, something I hadn’t been able to quite read. ‘Can’t we just take things as they come? Enjoy it.’
I’d raised my eyebrows. ‘See, you don’t even know what you want. How do you know you won’t change your mind? You said yourself you go where the wind takes you.’
Adam had pulled one hand through his hair. ‘Look, of course I can’t promise anything; I mean, who can? But all I know was that tonight was amazing, and I’d like to keep seeing you.’
A silence had settled between us, and I’d seen his chest lifting up and down. All I’d wanted to do was go to him again, disappear under his covers and stay there. But even he couldn’t give me any assurance.
‘Tonight was great,’ I’d said slowly, steadily, ‘but I just don’t know if I can do this again, if it might all end tomorrow.’
And as his hands slipped from mine, I’d had the oddest feeling of déjà vu. Like I’d had these exact same concerns, in this same place, once before. But when I’d looked up, Adam had been shaking his head, and I’d known something had shifted in him.
‘Clearly you’ve decided what’s going to happen here already, Emily, so if that’s the case, then maybe we should just leave it.’
‘Fine,’ I’d said, even as my chest exploded with pain at his words.
‘Fine,’ he’d said, and a moment later he’d turned to go back inside, his shoulder blades stiff as he’d moved. At the last second, he’d stared back out at me, and I’d allowed myself to look at his face again, at those startling eyes and the worried tension across his strong jawline.
Then he’d shut the door, and after briefly closing my eyes, I’d turned and disappeared back across the hall.
Now, as the clock ticks over to 7 a.m. beside me, I try to decide what to do about the trip up north.
Only two hours until he leaves.
Outside on the freezing pavement a little later, I run quickly away down the quiet, lamp-lit road, the dawn light only just starting to rise over the shivering buildings. I let the cold air hit my skin, hoping that it somehow blows away the intense pull I’m feeling towards Adam. I keep to the busy, safe part of the city,and as I stamp forwards alone, I wish with all my heart that I could just stop being so afraid all the time.
