Page 48 of The Love of Our Lives
I feel so bloody happy for them but internally I’m starting to freak out. I think about the letter again, all those individual pieces I was putting together about my heart donor and Emily – the fact her memories are getting stronger.Oh god. But it could just be my eggnog-addled mind making me panic. I’m overthinking it, surely.
Because I can’t lose all of this.
I won’t lose all of this.
‘You must be really excited,’ I say to Charlie with a smile now, determined to enjoy this evening and stop worrying.Just let go.
‘Will you dance to due date?’ Adam asks.
‘Absolutely.’ Charlie grins.
It’s so wonderfully Charlie, and it’s not like dancing is bad for pregnancy, I don’t think, but I can’t help feeling a little worried too – they’ve had so many issues, after all. I suspect if it were me in the situation, I’d probably do very little; be panicked the whole time, if I’m honest.
‘And then the plan is to do some travelling after,’ she continues.
‘Wow, that’s awesome,’ I say.
I think back to how different it was for Jess after. I can’t count the number of times she wheeled them around the same neighbourhood loop to get them to sleep. Her life became very small during that time, come to think of it. But despite that, I know she loved it.
‘Oh tosh,’ William says out of nowhere, and everyone turns to look at him. He’s frowning suddenly, his big bushy eyebrows downcast, and it’s jarring. He’s just been so agreeable this evening, lit up almost.
‘Dancing till due date, travelling the world with a baby. . . don’t you know all the things that can go wrong?’ he snaps.
‘We wouldn’t go right after the birth, of course,’ Sven says to him gently, ‘but maybe after a while, if everything is going OK.’
When William says nothing, just looks down at his plate, I want to reach out to him, find out what’s wrong. But before I can say anything, there’s another knock at the door.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
As I’m leaving the room to see who it is, I can hear Adam asking William if he wants to come see the roof terrace one day and I think how kind he is – how he wants everyone to feel completely at ease.
Glancing at myself in his hallway mirror briefly, I smooth down the glittery velvet dress I’m wearing. It’s ridiculously short, I have to admit, but if I can’t be a little out there at a Christmas party with friends, then when can I be?
A Christmas party with friends.
The words sound so odd in my head, but at the same time, a shiver of happiness goes down my spine.
I’m still thinking about how happy I am and how I was clearly worrying over nothing as I fling the door open wide, stopping short at the sight of a woman standing there.
She’s tall and trim, in navy trousers; a smart cream coat on. Her light-blonde hair is neatly bobbed, with pale-blue eyes I’ve seen before. Except they’re much harder up close and now they scan me over from top to toe, an almost shocked look on her face.
I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out.
My heart is thudding so hard right now.
‘Good to see you’ve still got your ability to say nothing.’
We stand like that for a moment, me looking at this woman I know nothing about. Yet this dynamic feels oddly familiar, and all those strange déjà vu sensations I’ve been having come flooding back again.
Glancing behind me briefly, I say, ‘How did you know I was here?’
‘I tried the other flat first and no one was in, then I heard the racket,’ she says firmly.
Uncertain what else to say, I lead her across the landing and let us both into my flat. She immediately starts looking around, at the ceilings, at the floor, at the living room she walks into.
‘Can I take your coat?’ I try uncertainly. But even I can hear how pathetic it sounds.
Emily’s mum turns to me now, eyes seemingly on fire.
