Page 53 of The Love of Our Lives
And not for the first time, I think about how oddly similar Charlie and Cat are, or were. That’s the sort of thing Cat did with her friends, and then with Fraser. She lived like every moment could be her last one, like every sunset might be her grand finale.
She always tried to get me to live that way too – as much as I could anyway.
‘So,’ Charlie says, turning her attention back to me now, ‘what’s with the sudden desire to drive?’
I pause, realising there’s truth in what I’m about to say. ‘I guess I’m just tired of waiting for it all to begin.’
‘Waiting for what to begin?’
‘Something,’ I say, and look up at the wide-open sky outside. ‘Everything. There’s so much stuff I’ve always meant to do, but never actually did. I’ve got this list actually . . .’
‘List?’ Charlie says. ‘I like the sound of a list.’
‘Well, you’re welcome to come along for it,’ I say, because the truth of it is, I would have loved to have done something like thiswith Cat, and although Charlie can never be my sister, they have the same energy, the same gusto for life. And I could probably do with some of that along the way.
‘What about Adam?’ Charlie says after a moment, lowering the paper to her lap. ‘I’m sure he’d have been keen to do some of this too.’
I look ahead again, at the way the rusted fence knots in and out of itself.
‘I know,’ I say, ‘but it’s better this way. He’s better off without me.’
Charlie raises one eyebrow. ‘Debatable.’
I turn to her, take a breath in. ‘Have you heard from him?’
‘Only briefly,’ she says. ‘He was on some ferry at the time.’
‘He just took off so quickly after it happened,’ I say, thinking of the sight of him with his backpack out my window, ‘I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye.’
‘Well, that sounds like Adam,’ she says slowly, ‘but I don’t think he’s away for long this time; just seeing some of Norway. He’s got orders to complete before he goes further.’
I pause. ‘And how was he? When you spoke to him, I mean.’
‘Not great,’ Charlie replies truthfully, ‘but he’ll be OK, in time . . . will you?’
I force myself to look up now at the sky above, knowing that I am still here with time to complete my list. And even though my heart is still aching at the thought of Adam, I smile. ‘I hope so.’
Charlie smiles back. ‘Still on for Friday night then?’
‘Absolutely.’
Number three on the list, here I come.
It takes William and me a little while to get down the stairs of our building a few days later, but I don’t rush him, don’t say a word. He’s a little older, and I know that everyone needs to make their own decision about when they want to change their life.
And for whatever reason, this was it for William. A simple invitation to a dance lesson; a request for the expertise I saw up on his mantelpiece with his wife. It was simple as that – something, or someone as unexpected as a neighbour, coming into your life and making you say, how about now?
We get the bus down through the lamp-lit town in silence and as I watch him stare out of the darkened windows, I realise that this might be the first time he’s been on a bus in a very long time. This might be the first time he’s gone anywhere in a very long time.
And suddenly, I wonder if the two of us are all that different.
I wish I could have driven us, of course – Charlie and I have been out for a few more intensive driving sessions this week, each time becoming easier than the last – but I still need to actually pass the exam. I’ve booked it in right after the theory test though, for two weeks’ time at the start of February. Even Charlie’s eyes went wide when I told her and she suggested maybe I spread it across a couple of months at least. But I don’t have a couple of months to waste. I’ve only got six months left in this life and with Charlie’s intensive training, I’m confident that I should be able to pass it.
I will pass it – for Emily.
What came next?
Dancing was next on the list – it was a given from all the little dancing figures around the place and the fact she’d clearly gone to check out Charlie’s class almost immediately. And, God, did I feel nervous when I looked on the website and realised what an idiot I’d look like when I went. But so what? If this is what she wanted to do. Though I couldn’t help wishing Adam could have come with us too.
