Page 57 of The Love of Our Lives
A minute later, Zoe is over to us taking our order, glancing repeatedly at Simon as she does so, like he’s some sort of movie star. And I suppose he does look like one, really. I’d never have met a guy like him in a million years in my old life.
Once Zoe’s loped off to get the coffees, Simon turns back to me.
‘Are you . . . dating him? Adam?’ he says eventually, and I can see the anxiety on his face.
I think about the question for a moment, almost wishing I could say yes. But that’s just not the reality anymore.
‘No,’ I say finally.
He nods, relief spreading across his features.
But questions bubble up in me now.
‘Why are you here?’ I say finally. After all, he was the one who cheated on Emily when they were engaged. He was the one whobroke her heart and made her feel the need to leave that life, so why the wait? Why now?
He looks at me. ‘Because you wouldn’t reply to any of my texts, or the flowers on your birthday?’
Oh god.
So that was definitely him – the cardless flowers.
Simon turns to me and I stop, look up into his cobalt-blue eyes, which seem so very full of love right now.
‘And I came up here to tell you something,’ he says.
‘What’s that?’ I say, heart thudding in my chest.
‘The receipt—’ he pauses ‘—you were right: I was with another woman.’
I look up at him sharply, ready to speak for Emily again, when he cuts in.
‘But it wasn’t what you think at all. It was just a dinner with an old girlfriend of mine, and I should have told you in advance, I know that now. I wanted to explain myself, but you’d already gone.’
I’m curious on Emily’s behalf now; can’t help but be vaguely protective too.
What possible reason is there to meet up with an old girlfriend and then lie about it?
‘What is the explanation then?’
He nods, as though I’ve given him the permission he’s been looking for. ‘Everything had just gotten really hard. You were so focused on your work and I felt like I was doing everything for the wedding. It was all on me. You always put your career first over everything, something I totally admired about you, but eventually it completely took over – you know it did, Emily. We spoke about it, several times. And God help me, I got lonely. Then she contacted me asking for a catch-up, for old time’s sake, but nothing happened, I promise.
‘And the thing is, Emily,’ he continues, before I can interject, ‘after you left, I just missed you so goddamn much, and I realised how stupid I’d been, how much I loved you too. I love your big smile and your terrible singing in the shower; I love how you make such a big effort with everyone, even that woman who was lost on that little back street that time in Madrid, remember? I love how determined you are to succeed at whatever you do, but most of all, I love how you had the courage to start all over again like you did, and I’d like to be a part of this new story, in some way. And we could stay in London or I could move up here to be with you, or we could go somewhere else together. Whatever you want, Emily, because all I know is, I’d follow you anywhere.’ He takes a breath. ‘I’d follow you forever.’
Something bigger starts to grow and expand inside me now. Those strange sensations again.
Because I’ve heard this all before, seen this all before – his devastatingly handsome face, his sorry words right here in this café.
And suddenly all these feelings come rushing up at me, memories resurfacing like bubbles in my mind, my heart – Simon’s face across from mine under white sheets, sitting together on a plane somewhere and feeling so happy I could burst, dancing down some boulevard with Simon twirling me over and over under his arm, laying on some beach with him in a distant land, our hands intertwined on the sand, feeling like the world was at our fingertips.
And there is love there, even after all these months apart. So, maybe it was just a catch-up for old time’s sake? A simple misunderstanding as he says.
A curdling of guilt starts in me now, that I should have looked a little more closely at Emily’s life from the start. Because what if she was simply taking a break up here? What if she only stayed for a while then moved back down?
What if she got back together with Simon in the end?
Oh god, I’d never thought about that – that the course I’m on now might not be the one she finished on at all. I’ve been so concentrated on doing all the fun stuff I think she did, that I haven’t actually considered any other pieces of her life.
My heart bleeds for Emily, because now I categorically know that this is the end for her; that these are her last months on Earth that I’m using up. I’ll go back to my old, limited life, where I’ve got a bit more time. Emily, on the other hand, will be gone. Absolutely and completely.
