Page 79 of The Love of Our Lives
Of course I don’t want it to end.
I’ve only just got started.
‘Why?’ he frowns.
I pause as I try to form my words. ‘I can’t tell you the reason exactly, just that I have a big choice to make.’
And it really is a big choice – an impossible choice. Because this wasn’t even my heart to start with and now I’m here, back in the past, with the chance to right it for her. To let her physically live again.
But equally, this is my life too – this part of me alive in the world somewhere – and now I’ve experienced so much of it, I’m just not sure I can bring myself to end it all. Not yet.
‘I might have to leave in a few months,’ I repeat, ‘for good.’ And I could be wrong but I’m sure something crosses his face. Some glimmer of understanding – almost as though heknows.
But he can’t know, can he?
‘So, that’s how you want to play it,’ William says and I look up, not to see him sad, but to see him angry.
I find myself frowning now too. ‘Play it?’
‘That’s right,’ he says, jabbing his finger at me. ‘Play it. Because if I’ve learned anything since you bloody well moved into this building, it’s that life is completely ours for the taking. It is our choice what we do with every second, every minute left of it. We’re all leaving sometime if you weren’t aware, some of us sooner than others. So, if you want to sit around here for these last few months doing nothing because you’re scared, then that’s all on you, Missy.’
‘I’m not even going to push you on what’s actually happening here,’ he ploughs on, ‘But after everything you’ve achieved this last year, I’ll be damned if you throw it all away now. Because it’s not the length of time we’re here, it’s what we do in that time. It’s about living your life, every single day to the end, or it’s an utter disservice to those who can’t. And I don’t care what your reasoning is for doing nothing because the only truth is that you’re letting fear stop you, and that’s just not good enough.’
A tear falls down my cheek.
‘And yes, maybe you will have to go,’ ‘he continues firmly, ‘but wouldn’t you rather go out on a high?’
Suddenly everything he’s saying starts to make sense, like choppy waters finally settling in my mind. Because this is where I’ve been going wrong all along, always doing what I thought other people needed or wanted, always being too scared to just get out there and live out my dreams. I even went to London and considered rekindling with a man I didn’t love. And what happened?
My heart is threatening to burst from my chest and I can see in this moment how very foolish I’ve been.
For so long.
‘I’ve got to go,’ I say suddenly, the words unexpected even to my own ears.
But William just smiles a watery smile, as I stand up.
‘Bloody glad to hear it,’ he says.
‘Thank you, William!’ I shout, as I run out the door.
CHAPTER THIRTY
Four months to live
The bus journey to the airport is strange, knowing that, for the very first time in my life, I’ll be leaving this country; something I’ve never even entertained before. And as I stand outside departures, I look up in wonder at the powder-blue sky and the planes rushing up into the ether. In no time at all, I’ll be up there too.
As high as I can go.
I check in my bag before heading through security. It’s hectic, and yet I kind of like it, how I feel just like everyone else going on holiday, or flying off to see a relative, or doing some business elsewhere.
Even the airport shops are exciting to me, this strange world of cafés and clothes shops and restaurants, open at all hours. So I decide to make the most of it. Taking a seat at the champagne bar, it doesn’t take long for a young-ish waiter to take my order. Then I just sit there with my glass of bubbles and think about what France will be like, and all the other places I manage to get to after. I’d like to go everywhere, of course, see everything possible, and maybe I should be able to in the time I’m here; maybe I’ve made some great error by staying here in Edinburgh for so long. But somehow, I don’t feel like that, given how very different it’s been to my old life in the city. And if Adam’s taught me anything, it’s that there are brilliant adventures to be found and perfect moments wherever you are. But for the next four months, it’s time for me to fly further, see everything I can in the time I’ve got left. For me and no one else.
Because this is my life too and I’m going to make damn sure I live it.
Pulling the list out from my pocket, I look to the next item on it and smile.
Experience the world.
