Page 87 of The Love of Our Lives
I sit with the words for a moment as I digest them because he’s right. All those little things I found out about Emily in London – the love of minestrone soup and horror movies and fancy-dress parties: she was different from me in so many ways.
So even though we might look the same, and even though we might have started off the same, I’m starting to feel that maybe this life wasn’t all one big fake.
And the love Adam has for me is actually real.
‘And you know what else?’ William says, stopping by a lovely spot in the Meadows now, which looks up on to Arthur’s Seat.
I turn to him, curious.
‘It may be a cliché but when you find that sort of love . . . you don’t let it go.’
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
Two weeks to live
Suddenly there are only two weeks left and there is somewhere I need to go; somewhere I’ve been avoiding up until now because it would make everything far too solid – far too real. But I’m almost out of time so when Adam mentioned he might go on a hike with Sven, I immediately said that was a great idea: Charlie’s due date is still four weeks away, after all, and I think it will be good for Sven to have some time with his friend up in the hills before it all begins for them. And I need to spend some time with someone important too.
The crematorium is quiet when I arrive; empty. The summer air is warm against my skin, so very strange in a place that feels like it should be cold and dank, and I weave my way down the pathway I know like the back of my hand.
Then finally, I see it, the rose bush we had planted in her name. It seemed like the right thing at the time, eternalising Cat as a flower. Because she was always so alive and kept growing til the very end. My brilliant sister.
My heart.
And as I stand in front of her grave, I finally allow myself to cry: I weep for me, for all the future moments we lost – laughing over TV shows, talking for hours on the phone as we got old and wrinkly together, having meals together with our partners and possibly even children.
I just wish I could ask her what I should do – what she would do in this situation. Because she loved living more than anyone, so wouldn’t she choose to keep living back in her old life, surely?
And suddenly, faced with the prospect of being in the ground like this, turning to dust like this, I know I can’t do it; won’t do it. Not now that I know that this love between Adam and me is real and true – the most perfect thing I’ve ever found and could perhaps find again in my old life.
How can I just give it up for Emily? When I think about it, the past is the past, and what really gives me the right to go and change any of it? And yes, I didn’t make the most of it as Maggie, but does that mean I don’t get a second chance?
Does that mean I have to die for it?
A noise behind me makes me stop – turn.
And there she is – Jess, and she’s looking at me with this slight air of confusion, like she’s trying to work out who I am, this stranger crying by her sister’s grave.
But why is she here? I didn’t know she ever visited other than anniversaries with me.
Wiping away my tears, I turn to her, my heart thudding like crazy in my chest. This is the first I’ve seen of any of my family in a while.
And I’ve missed her so much.
‘Hello,’ she says.
‘Hello,’ I reply, pause. ‘I was just . . .’ I wave vaguely at the rose bush, uncertain what the hell to say. It feels like she must be able to see right through me.
But then Jess gives me a curious look. ‘Did you know her? Cat, I mean. I’ve not seen you here before.’
‘Oh,’ I say, ‘well, I moved away, to London.’
Jess stares down at the rose bush. ‘She had a lot of friends, I suppose, and I was a bit younger . . . I didn’t really meet many of them, in the end. But she told me about them sometimes, all the fun you guys would get up to on weekends away and stuff.’
It’s so strange hearing Jess speaking about Cat like this, like they had their own little dynamic between the two of them. AndI suppose they did – and it was just as awful for her. Losing a sister like that.
Cat was a guiding star for both of us – I can see that now. That’s why Jess was scared to move to Amsterdam and uncertain of her big choice. All she really needed was a little push, a little inspiration from someone following their heart too. And I could still do that for her; Iwilldo that for her, when I get back home. If I get back home.
‘You had another sister, I think?’ I say, before I can help myself.
