Page 101 of Sad Girl Hours
“And you were suddenly filled with a sense of familial obligation?” She’s saying it like it’s ludicrous, but it still stings. I haven’t been very loyal to them, have I? “This doesn’t make sense. If I knew you loved them, then sure, of course it’s OK for you to go back to them, but—”
“I do love them,” I say automatically. “They’re my parents.”
“But this doesn’t make sense. You’re not telling me something, I know you’re not. Iknow you, Saffron, whether you want me to or not.”
“Idowant you to, and thatisthe truth. I just thought we should spend time together.”
“So, this has nothing to do with the fact that things happened between us last night? It’s all one big coincidence?”
“Yes,” I say desperately.
“I don’t believe you.” Her voice starts to harden slightly. “I think you got scared. I think you let someone see you for the first time in maybe your entire life, and even though I’m telling you thatI love you–” she laughs – “I love you, Saffron, you still refuse to believe that it’s possible for someone to know you so completely and still want to be with you.”
“That’s not it,” I say. “That’s not it at all.”
“Then what is it? Tell me, please.”
“I have done, Nell. I don’t know what more you want me to say.”
She’s quiet. “Do you just not want to be with me? Is that it? Do you regret what happened yesterday? Because if that’s it, I think it’s really cruel of you to just leave instead of telling me that.”
Not a single part of me regrets anything that happened yesterday. I wish I did – it might make this easier. I’m lying to the person that I love more than anything else in this world because – yet again – I’ve fucked up. I don’t want her to know that the person she loves is such a mess that she might not be able to rejoin her in Lancaster next week. And that, yet again, she’s bowing to the demands of her parents to try to prove… I don’t even know what.
“I do want to be with you,” I say. “More than anything.”
“That can’t be true, or you wouldn’t be leaving.”
Something contorts in my face at her words and she stops, running her hand through her hair. “I’m sorry. That’s not fair. Of course you should go home if that’s what you want to do. I just … I wish I believed that it was.”
She looks sad now, in a way I ache to undo, to wrap my arms around her and pull her close, to kiss her all over her face so I can make her know I’m trying to fix all the things that I’ve broken.
But. My parents are nearly at the door.
And I’m not half as brave as Nell is. She managed to beat everything trying to pull her down. Mine always comes back to me.
“I’m sorry.” The words spill out of me. “I really am. It’s not you. You’ve been perfect – youareperfect. I wish I could stay but I can’t. It’s too hard to explain, I just can’t.”
It’s not that hard to explain, not really. I’m just not brave enough to.
“All right,” Nell says, sounding tired. “If this is what you want to do, then fine. When will you be back at Lancaster?”
“I’m not sure. Definitely for Vivvie’s showcase, though.”
“OK. I’ll see you then, I guess. Do you need any help packing?”
I gesture to my bags. “I’m done. But thank you.” The stiltedness between us is making me want to scream. Why do I keep doing this to her?
We mill about in silence until the doorbell rings and then make our way downstairs.
“Saffron. You’re packed. Good.” My dad stands in the doorway, surveying me for a second, before reaching for one of my bags. “Let’s go.”
I lug my remaining bag forward, spotting my mother in the passenger seat of the car, watching us.
“Is everything OK?” I turn and see Eric and Xander coming down the stairs, looking perplexed.
“Saffron’s parents are here,” Nell says flatly. “She’s leaving with them now.”
“What?” They still sound confused. Xander is the first to recover, coming up to the door. “Oh. Hi, I’m Xander, one of Nell’s dads. Nice to meet you.” He extends a hand. “We’re big fans of your daughter.”
