Page 103 of Sad Girl Hours
I hear the front door slam shutafterthese words have been yelled, Jenna clearly so impatient for the gossip that small things like closing doors and fully entering buildings don’t factor into the equation.
When I don’t immediately thunder downstairs in the next thirty seconds, she takes it upon herself to do the thundering on my behalf.
“Nell? Are you here? I saw your stuff downstairs? Oh. Hey.”
She appears in my doorway and takes in the sight of me curled up in my bed, staring out vacantly into the room.
“Nell? What’s wrong?” She comes and perches on the edge of my bed. “Talk to me. What happened? What’s the matter?”
My words come out small and, frankly, pathetic. “Why won’t she let me love her?”
Jenna’s face crinkles into sympathy, and she reaches her hand out to stroke my hair. “Oh, honey. I take it things didn’t go well with Saffron. Did you tell her how you feel?”
“Yes.”
“But she didn’t reciprocate? And I was sosure.” Jenna looks personally affronted at the idea that Saffron might have proved her wrong.
“No, she did,” I say miserably. “She definitely did.”
“She…” Jenna looks more confused now. “So, you guys what? She said she liked you too and then you…”
“We kissed. Well, we did a lot more than kiss actually.”
Jenna – affectionately – karate-chops me a few times on the spine in excitement. “You did? You cheeky sluts! But then what happened? Because, unless one of you died in the act, I’m still not understanding why you’re up here looking like the saddest little mouse in the flower field.”
“She left. We got together and then she left, not even twelve hours later.”
“She left to go where?”
“Her parents’ house. She’s still there, as far as I know.”
“She must be. Casper said he was the only one back. But why would she leave like that?”
“She said it was too hard to explain, but I know,” I say. “She won’t believe that I love her. She doesn’t want to believe it.”
Jenna resumes stroking my hair. “I don’t think that’s it, babe. I think she probablydoesbelieve it, and it scares her. It’s a lot, to be loved so much. I think sometimes we’re so used to feeling bad, and trying to chase it away, that when we feel so much of this objectively wonderful thing, our bodies get confused. They think it can’t possibly be safe to feel this much, because in the past it hasn’t been. So, we try to shut that shit down to protect ourselves.”
“Are you speaking from experience here?” I say, sitting up so I can look at her properly.
“Maybe.”
I narrow my eyes. “How are things between you and Casper?”
Jenna looks at the floor. “We don’t have to talk about that now.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t want to make you feel worse.”
“Why would it make me feel worse?” Then it hits me. “You’re kidding me. You guys are together?”
A slow smile slides across Jenna’s face. “Maybe.”
It’s my turn to karate-chop now. “Hot damn! You finally let the poor boy in? I’m so proud of you!” I mean it genuinely. I’m so happy for those two idiots.
“I didn’t want to rub it in or anything, given your current plight, but yes. He came to visit one day and I took him on a walk around town and we finally had it out. I’m still scared, obviously. I think I’ll always be worried that he’s going to change his mind and be with someone who could give him more than I can, but hopefully with time that worry’ll fade instead of grow.”
“That boy has been begging you to love him – in his own sweet, silent way – since you guys met,” I say firmly. “If you love him back, there’s no one on this earth that could give him more than you.”
