Page 106 of Sad Girl Hours
“Anyone else think that was one of the most oddly depressing things they’ve ever listened to?” Vivvie says shrewdly.
Casper puts his hand up.
Vivvie gets out her phone.
“What are you doing?”
“Calling her. Trying to get to the bottom of whatever this is.” She puts it on speaker. We listen as the dialling tone rings over and over until we get her voicemail. “Hey, Saff, it’s Viv. Answer us, cariño – we miss you. All right, I’ll speak to you soon – SOON, OK? I love you.” She hangs up. “Hmph.”
“Should I try next?” Casper offers.
Jenna strokes his leg. “I don’t think so, babe. I don’t think she’s going to answer any of us.”
“I’ll keep trying,” Vivvie says. “She’s got to pick up eventually.”
I don’t want to talk about this. “I don’t think she does. But she’s got to come back for your showcase which, speaking of, we should all be helping you prep for. What’s still left to do?”
“Only about ten thousand things,” Vivvie says dramatically, thankfully allowing me to change the subject. “You can’t help with the finishing touches on this –” she holds up the fabric as she pulls her needle through it – “but I do have a couple of other things I could do with your help on.”
“Name them,” I say, aware I sound a little manic. “We’re all ready to help, aren’t we, guys?”
“Sure,” Jenna says, but she’s watching me with careful eyes. “Whatever you need, Vivs.”
They all keep chatting about— OK, honestly I have no idea what they’re talking about. I’m mostly staring into space, trying and failing not to think about Saffron and what she’s doing or how she’s feeling.
I start out of my thoughts when I suddenly become aware that they’re all watching me.
“You OK?” Casper asks.
“I’m fine,” I say.
Jenna and Vivvie share a look behind Casper.
I want to join in, I really do. I’ve missed them all. But there’s someone I’m missing even more, someone with long golden hair and an endless litany of facts about space. A body that I held close under mine and marvelled at the softness of, and a brain that I just know is being mean to her right now.
I want her to be OK. That’s all I want. It’s killing me a little bit knowing that she definitely isn’t.
I swallow back tears that I then let flood into Jenna’s lap later that night when Casper and Vivvie have gone home.
“I just want her to be OK.” The words float quietly out into the dark of my room in between soft, shuddering sobs.
Jenna strokes my back. “I know, babe. I know you do.”
Chapter Fifty
Saffron
I’ve been home for five days.
My parents have said about fifty words total to me in that time.
I’ve not eaten for – I forget how long.
I’ve not opened my curtains. I don’t even know what the weather’s doing outside. I’ve heard faint sounds of rain, but that’s all I know.
I thought last January was the worst I’d ever felt. Turns out it’s got nothing on this.
Every time I get low, even though I’m always utterly convinced that I have sunk to the bottom of this black pit, the ground will open up, making me plummet even further down.
