Page 61 of Sad Girl Hours
Vivvie’s been talking to Nell about something … but suddenly she stops. “Oh, I almost forgot. Here you go, losers.” She extracts five woollen hats with different-coloured pompoms on from her tote and tosses them to each of us. “Reluctantly, it is no longer crochet-crop-top weather so I’ve started making practical winter stuff. You guys all get one of my practice hats.”
“What an honour,” Nell says, pulling on her brown and white one while I tug my own orange and yellow one over my ears.
“Yes, thanks, Viv.” I smile at her.
Gathered round the flames dancing out of the wooden epicentre of warmth, spiralling up into the air with golden tendrils, Jenna says we need to get a photo. I oblige, pulling out my phone from my coat pocket.
“Oh, hang on,” I say, noticing an email notification from my uni email account. When I click, I see it’s from my tutor, James.
Hello Saffron,
I’d like to arrange a meeting with you at some point to discuss your attendance – perhaps when you get your exam results back in the last week of term. Could you come to my office at some point to arrange a time?
Thanks,
James
Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God. They’re going to kick me out. The warmth from the giant pyre in front of me vanishes, the cold creeping through my body along with the panic.
“Saff? You good?” Nell’s the first to notice because of course she is.
“Yes.” I try to bury the fear in my voice but it still comes out a little too high-pitched. “Yes, sorry. Here we go.”
I aim my phone camera back at us, the others gathering in closer to fit in the frame.
“Everyone say ‘hat lads’,” Vivvie says.
The others laugh and repeat her words as I take the photo.
When I open it later that night, staring at my phone in the dark with tears running freely down my face, I look at my smiling face in the photo and want to scream.
I want someone to stop me, to say that they see that I’m hurting, despite the smiles in the photos and videos. I want someone to know.
But I’ve been doing this so long. Would they even believe me?
Chapter Twenty-eight
Nell
There are only two weeks left of term before we go home for the holidays, and I’m determined to get to do all the Christmas fun with everyone before we go our separate ways.
Gamely, everyone lets me do my ridiculous Christmas card idea. We all dress up in double denim with tinsel thrown round us like feather boas while we pose in the cringiest eighties-style poses. Vivvie did protest a lot about the double-denim sitch (‘I only clothe my body in the finest accoutrements – how DARE you make me lower myself to the likes of Justin Timberlake?’) but the results were well worth it. I will be framing the card so I can appreciate it for many years to come.
On Saturday, we bundle up in our coats (and snazzy bobble hats) and walk down the hill to the town square ready for the Christmas lights switch-on. I alwayslovewatching this. Not so much the weird preamble with the D-list celebrity that they’ve found to do it, but the moments immediately after, when everyone’s gazing around with wonder, fairy lights reflecting in their eyes.
I love Christmas day, obviously, but I think I might love all of this just as much. Everywhere you go, songs are playing that everyone knows the words to; everything’s brightly coloured; every coffee shops smell like hot chocolate and gingerbread. It all makes my sensory-seeking butt very happy.
I relay some of this excitement to Saffron on the way to the switch-on. “Smell that? The cold air, the sugar from the waffle man over there—”
“Waffle man?” Saffron twists round to see the stall. “Oh right. My brain went straight to picturing a sentient waffle person.”
“An excellent example as to why you’re one of my favourite people. Not a single boring thought going on up there.”
I tap her on the noggin, and she turns away from me to hide her smile.
I wish she wouldn’t. Her smile’s one of my favourite things to look at, and I’ve not seen it a lot recently. I’ve not seenhera lot really – she’s had a mountain of work to do apparently. Casper said she’s been studying loads up in her room by herself and he’s barely seen her either, despite living in the same house.
When Jenna and Saffron stop to admire the wares of one of the stalls, I keep walking with Vivvie and Casper and drop my voice.
