Page 64 of Sad Girl Hours
“But … why?”
Jenna shrugs. “We like puzzling.”
“No, I mean, why did you let everyone think that you guys were boning this entire time? Everyone knows – or thought they knew anyway.”
“That’s the thing. I never told anyone we were having sex. Obviously, because we weren’t. And neither did Casper. But, you know, being a Black woman, I get to enjoy the double whammy of racist misogyny and people assume I’m this, like, ‘hypersexual’ person. Plus, as Avril Lavigne said, we’re a girl and a boy… What else could wepossiblybe doing late into the night together?”
She sounds a little bitter now, and I have to say I don’t blame her.
“I’m so sorry,” I say. “I guess we did just assume.”
“It’s fine,” Jenna says, though I don’t think it is. “It’s not like I corrected anyone.”
“Why didn’t you?”
“Partly because I didn’t think I shouldhaveto. Partly because I liked hiding behind the excuse, so I didn’t have to actually confront the truth.”
She sees that I have more questions. “I get anxious sometimes. A lot of the time really, especially at big social events. I feel like everyone’s looking at me or thinking about me, or that I’m taking up too much space, and then I start to get panicky. Casper saw that in me last year when we were all out at the club for the first time – that time I told you about when Casper drank his first Jägerbomb and then pretended he was a French mime for half an hour—”
“Ah, yes,” I say knowingly. “That night.”
“Well, after he regained his power of speech and stopped creeping everyone out, I went outside and started panicking a bit – all the usual fun things: hyperventilating, sweating a bit, very sexy – and he followed me out and said we should go back home. He made me tea from his stupid little tea suitcase that he offersto people like if Paddington Bear was a travelling tea sales rep or something and asked if I wanted to play Ticket to Ride, the nerd.”
“That’s the train one, right?”
“Yep, that’s the one.” Jenna laughs again. “And it was so stupid but I had such a lovely time. No other boy has ever made me tea and asked me to play a board game before. If you go home with them, they expect sex. Casper’s never made me feel like he expects anything.”
I let all of this information sink in. Casper’s an even bigger nerd than I thought. He and Jenna have never had sex. All this time, I kind of thought of her as an authority on things like that, that’s why I was so annoyed when she implied that I had those kind of feelings towards Saffron. I thought she was like everyone else, feeling that way and assuming everyone else was too. But now…
“So, you don’t…” How do I phrase this? “Want to have sex … with Casper?”
“No. Not with Casper, not with…” She swallows. “Not with anyone.”
“Ohhhh.”
“Yeah.”
“And all this time I thought you were just like everyone else, having all thesefeelings—”
“Burning with a wild passion for Casper, you mean?”
“Well, when you put it like that… But also, yes. And assuming that everyone else was feeling those things.”
“By everyone else, do you mean, like … you?” She surveys me with cautious eyes, hesitant. “Do you think you might be on the ace spec too?”
“On thewhat what?”
“Oh, Isee,” she says, even though I’m as confused as ever. “The ace spectrum, Nell. Asexuality.”
“Ohhh. I’ve never heard it called a spectrum before, just asexuality. But I guess that makes sense. Most things are on spectrums. I’m on a few,” I joke.
“Including the ace one?” Jenna asks, not letting my attempt at deflection actually, you know, deflect.
“I don’t know,” I say, not looking at her. “Sometimes I think I feel … and then other times…”
I see her nod in my peripheral vision. “I’m sorry,” she says. “I’ve been talking about me a lot and that’s not what we came up here for.”
“No,” I say fiercely, turning back towards her now. “I’m glad you’re talking to me.Thank youfor talking to me. I’m glad you feel that you can trust me with all that. You’re my best friend; I like getting to know you even better. And I’m sorry, for the record, for making those assumptions too.”
