Page 66 of Sad Girl Hours
“The silliest.”
“I have one question to ask you if that’s OK? A non-silly-goose one. A serious-duck one if you will.”
She laughs again at that before waving her hand with her usual theatrical flair for me to go on.
“Do you not like Casper back in any way? I know not in the sexual way that I think we definitely knowhe’s capable of feeling from some of his stories—”
Jenna grimaces. “Everything I’ve learnt about his time at his all-boys’ school has been against my will.”
“Exactly. But if that wasn’t a thing, would you want to be with him?”
I don’t mean the question to be impertinent, I’m just curious. He loves her. We all see it. I guess I’m just interested in whether she returnsanyof his feelings. She’s much harder to read than he is. I don’t think Casper’s capable of not showing what he’s feeling on his face. Jenna’s a closed book, but Casper is a pop-up one, practically poking you in the eye with his feelings.
“Sexisa thing, though,” Jenna says, and I’m acutely aware now of the lack of laughter in the room. “In this world, I doubt I’ll ever be able to forget that it is.”
“But do you love him?” I ask.
“He’s always going to want things I can’t give him. That’s not fair to him.”
“Butdo you love him?”
She wraps her arms across her chest, looking frustrated, though I’m not sure whether it’s with me and my questions, or with something else entirely.
Her lack of a response tells me almost more than a verbal answer would have. “Have you ever asked him whether he’d want to be with you without all that? Have you told him how you feel?”
“I’ve never told him I’m ace, no. He’s said things before, though, that make me think he might suspect. He’s said that if he loved someone he could live without sex, that the love wouldbe more than enough. I think he was trying to be subtle, but you know Casp. Subtlety isn’t exactly his strong point.”
“Not exactly. But also, there you go! It sounds like he would be happy—”
“Maybe at first.” Jenna’s words burst out with a great deal of force. “But not forever. You know howsexandwantingare everywhere, in every story, in every fuckingperfume ad, in every assumption about relationships we’ve ever had to fight against. And if I let myself get drawn in, and then he decided hecouldn’tlive without it, I don’t think I could cope with losing him like that.”
“Hmm.”
“That was a judgemental-sounding ‘hmm’.” She looks rankled now. “Elaborate, please.”
“Do you not think that maybe you’re doing what we’ve both admitted we hate other people doing? Assuming you know how Casper feels better than he does?”
Jenna’s mouth drops open slightly, and silence draws over both of us. When it breaks, she doesn’t address what I said.
“What about you and Saffron, though? You clearly know that romantic attraction and sexual attraction can be two separate things on some level. Are you applying that to yourself?”
“Hmm,” I say again, and this time it doesn’t mean,I think you’re being silly. This time it means,I didn’t know I did know that actually.
“You know, I’ve never really thought about it like that.”
“And if you do? You might not be sure about feeling physical things towards Saffron, but are you feeling romantic ones?”
I think about everything that we’ve done these past couple of months. Every time I’ve managed to make her smile and felt satisfied that it was a real one, that I’d actually made her happy. I think about how I’ve woken up some mornings thinking about new ways I can make her smile again, hopefully for a little longerthan the last time. I think about how I’ve spent more time with her this year than I ever have before, and how it’s still not been enough. I think about how desperately I want her to air out whatever she’s keeping stored inside her so that I can help her – or try at least. I don’t know yet whether Iwanther. But I definitelywant herto be happy. Iwant herto search for me in every room she enters and be glad when she sees me, already watching.
“Yes,” I say. “I am.”
“There we go then,” Jenna says. “Are you going to tell her?”
I think about it, I really do. But… “No. Not yet. Not because I’m waiting for anything on my end – not any more. Today’s been … interesting. And I’m really glad we had this talk.”
Jenna nods with a gracious smile that lets me know she’s glad too, even if I did piss her off with my harsh truths.
“I just don’t think it’s fair on Saffron right now to complicate her life further. She’s got some things to figure out, and I don’t want to put any more pressure on her.”
