Page 72 of Sad Girl Hours
We’ve started moving again but it feels like everything is frozen. Is she… I don’t know.
I force the words out but they’re as quiet as hers just were. “You didn’t finish saying – why did you want to come on this thing, knowing that you’re deathly afraid of heights?”
“Deathly’s a bit extreme really. I’m scared but I’m notdead, Saffron. And I’m doing it because I thought you’d like it. I know you don’t want to be an astronaut yourself, you want to remain earthbound, but I thought you still might like to feel as though you’re in space for a couple of minutes, like you’re a little closer to the stars.”
“I…”
How can she just say things like that and not expect me to fall apart. Or want to kiss her. Or both – my eyes brim with water, and I have to stop myself from grabbing her face and kissing those chapped lips.
I think I’ve realised a lot of things today. First, Jenna was honest and open and spoke about things so casually that it really shook things up in my brain. She made it all sound sonormal. And now Nell has literally faced an entire phobia just becauseshe thought I’d like it.
They’ve been so brave.
I feel like it’s time.
I’m still holding the fear in my body, I can tell, but I don’t want to let it guide me any more. I want to be done with that.
It’s time for me to be brave too.
Chapter Thirty-three
Nell
“I need to tell you something,” Saffron says, tapping her free hand against her lap nervously, the other hand still on my arm.
“Of course,” I say, and I would be on the edge of my seat if I weren’t so damn scared about wobbling this godforsaken death cart in the sky.Please be about to say what I want you to say.
“My grandma didn’t die last winter.”
OK. Definitely not what I wanted her to say. Although… “Oh. I’m glad?”
“No, I mean she is dead, both of them are. They both died years ago. When I was a kid really.”
“I’m sorry for your losses?” I’m not sure where this is going.
“No.” She sounds exasperated. “Sorry, I’m saying this all wrong. I’ve been building it up in my head, and I’ve just convinced myself to do it, and I’m still getting it wrong.”
“Saffron, breathe.” I cover her hand with mine (mentally high-fiving myself for not clinging on to the pod any more). “You’re doing fine. Just … take your time.”
Chapter Thirty-four
Saffron
“Yes, OK. You’re right.” I take another deep breath. “What I meant was, I wasn’t at home because my grandma was sick and then passed away. I was actually at home because I was in a depressive episode. I … I have seasonal affective disorder. Every year, when it gets darker, I start to really struggle with my mood, and last year the combination of that and then the stress from uni made me completely fall apart. I was a mess, honestly. Iama mess. I…” My voice cracks. “Sometimes I don’t think I’m very good at being a person.”
“What do you mean?” Nell’s expression is filled with so much kindness that I want to flinch away from it, but I force myself not to, to stay engaged. “Saffron, you’re one of the best people I know – if notthebest. You’re beautiful, and I don’t just mean your skinsuit—”
Her word choice forces a laugh to spill out from me, but I still have to swallow it back so it’s not followed by any sobs.
“Although that isbanging.”
Another laugh. She smiles too, before fixing me with her eyes again, holding me in place as I listen to her.
“What I mean is – and I don’t think I’ve ever actually said this outright – but you – your body, your brain, your entire way of existing in the world – are the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen the sun setting over mountains, and babies laughing for the first time, and all other manner of beautiful things. You beat every one, Saff.”
The force of her words knocks me back.
Nell sees the beauty in the world more than anyone else I know. She considers it hervocationto do that. And the idea that the place she’s found the most beauty isme… Well, it means more than any other compliment I’ve ever received. Combined.
