Page 47 of Rescue
I put on my gear and get out. It’s cold, but it’ll help me keep my mind on the hike instead of my past. I get moving and it only takes me about 30 minutes to get around to the side of the mountain that looks out over the San Bernardino mountain range. It’s quite the sight to behold and still takes my breath away, even though I’ve been coming here for years. I can see at least four other peaks from where I’m standing and when the light hits this place at just the right time it's incredible.
I find a big rock to sit on, ignoring the snow. I sit there for a long time thinking about Caroline and what our life might be like if she hadn’t died that day. We had so many plans. We were so cocky having our whole lives planned out like that, but that was Caroline. She worked out a plan and then made it happen. When she passed, it was like everything we had just went up in smoke. Then to find out about the baby. Even though I never knew she was pregnant, it was like my world imploded a second time with another dose of grief and shame even stronger than the first. When I talked to the Callahans today, I decided to keep it to myself. I just couldn’t handle telling them. But more than that, I didn’t want them to have to experience that grief all over again like I did. I’ll never forget what we could have had, and I think that’s enough.
I sit there for a long time, almost welcoming the pain of the cold, knowing it’s the least I deserve for all the pain and suffering I’ve caused. I know I couldn’t change what happened that day. It was an act of nature and I couldn’t have saved Caroline anymore then she was able to save herself. The tragedy of that day seeped into everything in my life, until it was all consuming.
But then something happened. Something inside of me started to change. And the reason for that change was my gorgeous and wonderful Penelope Collins. She helped me realize that I didn’t deserve the hell I was putting myself through. She’s helped me put some of my demons to rest and with them, I was able to resolve some things for the Callahans as well. I don’t know what I ever did to deserve her, but I’ll keep her for as long as she’ll let me.
Thoughts of Penelope remind me that I have somewhere else to be. The hike back to my truck taking less than 20 minutes this time, and I hop in, hoping it warms up quickly.
I make it back to the hospital mid-afternoon and find Willa in the hallway. She tells me that Penny’s resting but should be able to go home soon. I offer to bring her home with me and her mom gives me a knowing look. She says that she’s fine with whatever Penny wants.
When I walk in her room, the light is shining through the windows onto her face as she sleeps. It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I quietly pull out my phone and take a picture so that I can remember her like this forever. Not in the hospital, but at peace, with light surrounding her.
