Page 14 of Demonic Cage
“It’s like a steamroller ran over you,” he yells at me, causing anger to flare up under my skin once again.
“How the hell could you scare me like that? Running off like a crazy person…”
The word ‘crazy’ freezes me, and my mouth goes dry. How… How can he call me that, when he knows…
“You’re completely unpredictable, for Christ’s sake, yet…”
“You’re taking names of beings you don’t even know,” Darya says, his voice cutting through Nathan’s speech like a cold knife.
Nathan stares confusedly at the white-haired figure, who seems more bored than angry.
“Who the hell are you to—” Nathan begins, but before he can finish, I jump up and head towards the restroom.
Halfway there, I look back to see Nathan’s puzzled expression and Darya’s amused gaze – his head is still propped on his hand and he’s raising one eyebrow, smiling at me.
“One minute and I’ll be back. In the meantime, get to know each other!”
I burst into the restroom, slam my bag onto the sink, and lean on it. Even here, the tiles are adorned with sheets of tiny gemstones, looking like green sour candies.
The base color of the walls is a pale honey yellow, and gelatinous puddings sprawl out as wall decorations.
I look into the mirror, and my muscles relax tiredly. I have to take my medication.
I feel defeated. Not by a person, but by life itself. I’ve always felt this way. Every day, I try to be strong, but it feels like fate is playing a cruel game with me, never allowing me to exist peacefully. Yet all I’ve ever wished for is to rid myself of these painful dreams, to not distract my parents when they shouldhave been giving all their attention to Bengt. And I’m just trying to be normal and not need to take my medication, but the withdrawal symptoms reveal images that are far from normal. I can’t afford to lose my mind. Not after what my parents and siblings had to go through because of me.
It was a foolish idea to just abandon my medication and not seek help from a psychiatrist. I thought I was strong enough to move forward alone and cope with my hidden demons, but instead, I just got more. If I take the medication now, everything will be fine again. I’ll go back, I’ll go home, and though the dreams hurt, I’ll survive them. Even if my heart stops at the age of forty, at least I won’t have been hallucinating in the meantime. Everything was fine the way it was.
I search for the medicine at the bottom of my bag. My heart beats stronger in my chest, just the way it always does when I hold the pills in my hand. Should I take two? I would feel dizzy, but I don’t think it would be worse than this. I pop out two white capsules, then after a little thought, a third, then a fourth. I stare down at them lying on my palm.
Everything was fine the way it was.
I place the pills on my tongue and let the calming sensation wash over me. Lightning flashes across my skin first, then I tingle inside. Before the drug fully hits me, I look at myself in the mirror. It’s not typical of me to only now be interested in how I look. It’s clear from my reflection that what I did wasn’t me. I’m only myself with the medication. I’ve never lived without it, and I won’t.
The sad thought makes me smile as I start to feel pleasantly dizzy. My ears are buzzing, my movements much lighter. This is no longer the kind of discomfort I felt before, and it’s like I’m walking on clouds or sleeping in a soft, downy bed. Nathan was right: I look awful. Tears have left massive traces through mymakeup and bloodstains still adorn my neck. How could I walk into a café like this and for no one to have noticed?
I turn my head sideways. I don’t want to appear like this in Darya’s presence. I want to see that look from him that I saw in the cemetery, when he regarded me as if he had found an irresistible secret. No one has ever looked at me like that, and warmth spreads through my belly at the thought.
I put soap on my hands. I wash my face. My neck. My cleavage. My makeup is such good quality, it doesn’t completely come off around my eyes. I study myself conspiratorially in the mirror. The stubborn black shadow makes me feel terribly sexy. I tilt my head sideways. I laugh. My voice sounds as sweet as the muffin tasted.
It’s as if I am high, and I feel so pleasantly dizzy… but it’s not the kind of discomfort that has haunted me all day.
There will be no more discomfort, no more dreams.
I adjust my hair, spray myself with perfume, and put red lipstick on my lips. I send a kiss to myself in the mirror, laughing as I do so. I want to leave an imprint of the red lipstick on Darya.
If I go out, there won’t be any delusions. I can be free. There won’t be any angels, no herebias, no demons. Maybe no Darya either…
The corners of my mouth sink. I wish I had gotten to know him better before sending him away with my pills, but there’s nothing I can do about that now. I don’t know what happened after meeting Nathan, but there must be an explanation. Maybe Darya is just a person – I mean, he must be – and I just misunderstood everything he said.
Maybe I wanted to hear about some fantastic otherworld where I could escape, and I just talked myself into it, twisting the man’s every word. It’s possible – without the medication, I have no idea how I think.
But if Darya is here, and Nathan too, then…
I nearly fall over, but I grab onto the faucet and laugh. This is a very, very bad idea…
I giggle as I unzip the leather jacket Darya gave me, revealing my cleavage. I wet the skin, making it even more desirable. I stumble, barely managing to grab onto the soap holder, laughing even harder.
How would Darya kiss me? Would he be as cold as he is, or would he change because of me? No matter what demon-ish tale he offered, I felt like he needed me. And now Nathan is here, and he’s jealous. I pull the zipper even further down at the thought, my red bra showing. This will do.
