Page 43 of Saved by my Baby Daddy Spy
“Hi, beautiful girl,” I say, grinning as I pick her up and bring her over to the changing table. “What do you think about getting all cleaned up?”
After changing her, I search through her drawers for something that makes sense to wear. She fights me every step of the way, pointing and grabbing other things she wants instead.
In the end, she walks into the living room with a race car shirt and zebra print leggings. Her hair is wild, a single clip trying to pin back her bangs.
Heaven help me when she’s a teenager.
“Okay, Kerri, what do you think about making Mama some breakfast?” I ask as I pull her little wooden tower over to the kitchen counter. She climbs up with her doll and holds onto the little railing. “Chocolate chip pancakes sound like a pretty good idea to me.”
Kerri nods, reaching for the big bowl I grab from one of the cupboards. She smiles as I hand it to her and grab another. I pull out my phone and put on some music, dancing in front of Kerri to make her laugh. Her little giggles fill the room, making my entire body warm.
Never did I think that I had a baby out there. I missed too much of her life already, but still getting little moments like these is making the hard times a little easier.
I make the pancake mix while watching Kerri dance. She moves her entire body, flailing it wildly to a tune in her head. Grinning, I heat up a pan and fry the pancakes. Kerri shrieks with laughter as I do the chicken dance around the room.
Between making breakfast and entertaining my daughter, I couldn’t imagine a better way to start the morning.
“That smells amazing,” Hannah says while she walks into the kitchen as I flip the last pancake. She kisses Kerri’s cheeks and leans against the counter. “So, you can make pancakes, can you?”
I hand her a plate stacked with pancakes. “How else would I keep myself alive when I’m away for work? Don’t get excited, though. This is the one meal that I know how to make.”
Her eyebrows raise as she grabs another plate for Kerri. I already have the pancakes cut up into tiny pieces with syrup in a little bowl on the side for dipping. Kerri abandons her doll as Hannah sets the plate in front of her and digs into the food.
“I’m kidding about that, by the way. I do know how to cook more than just pancakes. I make a mean plate of scrambled eggs too.”
Hannah laughs and shakes her head before grabbing a fork and digging into her food. She moans and tilts her head back, her eyes closing. It gives me all kinds of ideas about the things we could spend the day doing.
I have other things on my mind, though. I need to talk to her about what our future looks like, and it scares the hell out of me.
“Hannah, I want to be here for the both of you. I know that we’re just finding our footing with this whole thing, but I really want to try.” I look at her as I cut up a pancake and take a bite.
“I thought that was what we were doing.” Hannah sets her plate to the side and crosses her arms. She tucks a strand of her dark hair behind her ear, her gaze searching mine.
I can see the distrust in her eyes. She doesn’t know where this conversation is going and if I’m being honest, neither do I. Our conversation last night made me realize a lot about my life.
It’s not worth going back to a job that pulls me away from my family, but I was being honest when I told her that I can’t say I would never go back. I might. It’s the fear of disappointing her that has my tongue tied in knots.
“Holden?” Hannah’s voice is soft as she steps closer to me. “Is everything all right?”
I sigh and look away from her. I’m not sure how to get the words out. I want her to believe that I’m going to be here to help care for her daughter. I want her to trust me, but I know a lot of damage has already been done.
Neither of us were expecting to be tied together forever after the brief time we spent together, but here we are.
And if I’m being honest, I wouldn’t change it for the world.
“I don’t want to miss another moment of Kerri’s life,” I say, finally looking back at her. I swallow the lump in my throat, but it keeps coming back.
“Alright, well, I don’t know what you want me to say to that. I’ve never tried to keep her out of your life. I fought like hell to get you in it.” She watches me with a defensive gaze.
Mama bear is ready to go for the throat if I say the wrong thing.
However, I can see the hope in her eyes too. She wants this as much as I do. She wants us to be a happy little family and work things out. The feelings between us — the chemistry — didn’t just disappear when I did.
“I know that you did everything you could. It’s my fault that I wasn’t here, and I missed out on so much of Kerri’s life already. I know it is. You’re a great mother and you tried to do right by our daughter.”
Hannah relaxes slightly, though her stare is still fixed on me. “You know I’m not going to keep you from her, right? I know that things may be a little complicated between us right now, but that doesn’t mean that I’m going to suddenly tell you that you can’t be around Kerri.”
“I don’t want things to be complicated between us either, but that’s something we have to work on in time.” I run my hand through my hair, trying to release some of the nervous energy building inside me.
