Page 39 of Curious Cameron
It's me.
That thought haunts me through the night. I keep nodding off, but I can't stay asleep. I keep waking up. Again and again. The nightmare is stalking me and there's no escape from it. At least Cameron must be having good dreams. He stays conked out all night. He uses me as his pillow. So sound asleep he even drools a little against my tank top while making those cute snuffle snores.
Fuck. I don't have the right to call him cute.
Not after what I did him. What I let Marlon do to him. So much for protecting Cameron.
How did things get so messed up? I can't believe I let things get so out of hand…I don't know why I let myself go that far with Cameron. In the moment, everything was hot. Yet in the aftermath, I'm left frozen.
I can't stop thinking about how soft and docile Cameron was while I fucked him. Or how badly he started shaking after it was done.
He was so out of it. Like he was gone, away from his body and out of his mind.
Don't get me wrong, I've rocked a boy's world and made plenty of guys scream with pleasure, but nothing like what happened with Cameron. Marlon insisted it was normal and I've heard of subspace before, sure, but nothing I've known about it could have prepared me for that.
I've wrecked everything. I took advantage of him.
And the worst part?
Cameron doesn't realize it. He's cuddling with the monster that's ruined him.
I can't stop thinking about those blue fucking curtains. If I subconsciously picked out and put up blue curtains because they were Cameron's favorite color, what else have I done?
Did I seduce and manipulate us into this situation?
My head is full of doubt and my heart is heavy with guilt. I lay there, my body without sleep and my mind restless, until morning chases away the night.
Cameron sleeps in late, but I don't do a single thing to disturb him until he's ready to rise.
"Trev?" he yawns, rubbing sleep out of his eyes. "When did you wake up?"
"A while ago." I try to crack a smile, but my lips can't quite make the shape of it. The best it can do is twitch the corners of my mouth. "How you feeling?" I ask.
"A little sore, but great," Cameron says with another yawn as he sits up in bed. He reaches for his phone. And his pill bottle. I watch silently as he gulps down his medication. I've got to say something. I need to apologize and make things right.
No words come. As I watch Cameron scroll on his phone, my throat goes dry. My vision goes blurry. There's so much to say, but I can't say anything. It's so strange. Usually, I'm the driving force behind everything Cameron and I do, but when I need to act most I find myself unable to move.
"Should we watch it together?" The video is on the screen of Cameron's phone. His thumb hovers over the play button.
My mind draws a blank. "What?"
"From last night," Cameron grins. He rolls closer. Close enough that I can feel his morning wood pressing against my thigh. "We can watch it and then we can fool around, yeah? You don't have work today. Right?"
He laughs. Light and airy. Almost bell-like and somehow still entirely too innocent even after everything that's happened.
"Right," I repeat.
But it's not right. None of this is right.
"I mean, no." I take the phone out of Cameron's hand and set it on the mattress. Face down. "You need to delete it, Cam. And we gotta…stop. We can't do that again. What happened last night..."
My voice breaks. Goddamn it. Why am I crying? I don't have the right. I lift my hand and drag my palm across my face, trying to hide the tears from Cameron.
"Woah. What's wrong?" He's not having it. In a reversal of our usual roles, Cameron's the one comforting me. "Are you okay, Trev? Talk to me, please."
His hand is on my shoulder and he makes me sit back down as I try to pull away. To get away from him. It'd be for his own good. I should never touch him again.
Yet as Cameron puts his skinny arms around me, I can't help but lean into his softness.
