Page 15 of Julian Shared
And that’s the honest truth.
When I was young and rebellious and still struggling to accept myself, one-night stands and shady hook-ups were the only way I could accept my desire for other men. I could only take another a cock in my mouth or ass if I knew I wouldn’t have to see the other guy’s face the next morning.
The anonymity of strangers in the dark wasn’t just a thrill for me. Back then, it’d felt like safety. Nobody knowing me. Not knowing anybody else.
But that all changed after Joel. After him, everything became so bright. I did everything I could to leave the dark of my past behind so I wouldn’t sully our future together.
“Do you miss it?”
Joel’s voice turns so soft in the dark. There’s a thread of fragility in it. Joel’s the strongest man I’ve ever known and that’s because he has real strength, true strength. It’s what allows him these vulnerable moments with me. When he can be weak and unsure.
I know what his question means. I don’t try to feign ignorance or plead innocence. I know Joel’s talking about the other men. I was…well, I was a slut before I got together with Joel. Being a slut was how I met him in the first place.
“It’s not the sex I miss,” I admit and that’s the honest truth too. Since we got married, I haven’t lusted after or crushed on anyone else. I’ve been as loyal to Joel in heart and mind as I’ve been in body. “But I guess I miss the attention, sometimes.”
When Joel used to deploy, I never struggled with the lack of sex, but I did get lonely. And I’m still lonely, some days, when he’s away at work.
“Mostly I miss the dancing.”
I sigh as he rubs gentle circles on my back.
In the comfort of the dark, we talk and talk. We share our fears and worries, but also our pleasures and wonders. Joel and I talk about the past, but we talk about the future too.
What else we miss. What else we want.
How hot it was for Joel to whisper all that filth into my ear while he was fucking me.
We talk until it’s barely dark anymore. I don’t know when it happens, but night turns to twilight.
“You know it wasn’t about…them, right?” It’s important to me that Joel understands that. After everything that’s happened. I don’t want him to think I’m crushing on Cameron or attracted to another man’s husband. “I don’t want anyone but you, Joel.”
“I know, mi amor,” he yawns.
Last night hasn’t really changed the way I feel about our neighbors.
It’s changed how I feel about myself.
Chapter 5
Joel
Julian and I barely got any shut-eye last night. I have to drag myself out of bed to chase after the day instead of rising to meet it head-on. As I hurry through my shower, I leave my hair dry, only soaping up my face, armpits, and groin before rinsing off.
I do take the time to give myself a good shave, though. I’m thinking about that possible promotion as I slather up the shaving cream and pick up the razor. Nothing is for sure until I have my new rank pinned on my chest. I got to make sure I don’t lose it before I even get it.
That means not only doing my best, but looking my best as well.
I leave my beloved and barely there goatee alone, but do away with any stubble. When I’m done, my cheeks are smooth as Julian’s precious silk robes. I slap on some aftershave too. The good-smelling shit Julian picks out for me: sandalwood and lemon.
I eyeball our empty bed as I leave the bathroom and pull on my uniform. He’s already made up the bed, the linens tucked in with military-grade precision and all those tiny decorative pillows added on.
Julian better not be down in the kitchen. I don’t have time for breakfast.
As I hurry down the stairs, I find Julian waiting at the bottom. He’s already dressed and has my favorite thermos in hand. The smell of freshly-brewed coffee fills our home.
Bless his heart.
“Thank you.” I accept the thermos and take a long gulp. A dark roast and served black. I’m going to need a lot of it to get through today. I might look good, but I feel rough. I’ve never been much of an early bird. Always been more of a night owl. A bad trait for the army life and one I’ve had to carefully manage throughout my career.
