Page 18 of The Mountain
Sometimes, I can pretend it never happened. Like that was some other kid. Some other life. Not me. Not mine.
Now, it’s like those four years of remission never happened at all, and I’m fifteen all over again, listening to the doctor explain that after five years of thinking everything was fine, it’s come back.
I can still see Mum’s face when we got the news. She didn’t cry. Didn’t even make a sound. But I could see it. Could see her world crumbling before her eyes. Could see the sharp-edged panic at the prospect of facing it all over again.
“We’re good,” I say, turning to give Lily a hollow smile. It stretches my cheeks almost painfully. “Just talking.”
Lily frowns, glancing from me to Liam again, then offers up a tentative smile. “I thought I’d make dinner tonight,” she says. “We could have homemade burgers and fries, if you guys want? We have all the ingredients.”
“I’ll help,” Seth says, stepping forward, pushing between me and Liam until he’s standing right in front of Lily. “Shouldn’t you be resting?”
“I’m feeling better now. Honestly.” Lily wraps her arms around Seth’s neck, tilting her chin up to meet his eyes, giving him the entirety of her attention. I feel the absence of it like a physicalthing, like when the sun slips behind the clouds. “Besides, I want to do something to say thank you for looking after me.”
Another version of me—the version of me with no past and no future—he would have made some quip about there being better ways to say thank you.
“Oh, honey. You don’t have to thank us for that,” Seth murmurs. He drags her close, rubbing the top of her head with the side of his cheek in a catlike show of affection, then pulling back to look at her, her shoulders gripped in his hands. “I’ll always look after you. You know that, right?”
Always. That’s a big promise to make. I want to scoff, to call bullshit, to remind Seth he can’t promise that. Because aren’t we all on borrowed time?
But maybe that’s just me. I guess Seth can offer something much closer toalwaysthan I can. He can imagine five or ten years from now and hold that future out like a bouquet of flowers.
Myalwayscould be shattered like glass tomorrow. Six months from now. Four years from now.
And what kind of asshole would I be to offer Lily that?
Chapter 5
Lily
I should have gotten myself off in the shower.
“This is delicious,ma chère,” Antoine murmurs, smiling at me over his glass of wine, nudging my foot with his under the table.
“Hmm,” Liam agrees, shooting Antoine a conspiratorial smirk as his hand finds my thigh, fingertips tracing the bare skin just below the hem of my sleep shorts, leaving goose bumps in their wake. “Really good.”
“Yeah. Thanks for cooking, baby.” Matty gives a shy smile from my other side, his thigh and shoulder pressing against my own, closer than even the tight space of the too-small table requires.
My heart races, breath suddenly feeling tight behind my ribs. “Seth did most of it,” I say by way of deflection. “I just followed his directions.”
Seth shakes his head in disagreement, his protests muffled by a mouthful of burger. It’s not the fanciest of meals—justhomemade burger patties and hand-cut fries, courtesy of the ingredients we got from the Christian Center’s food bank.
“Well”—Liam’s eyes crinkle at the corners— “you’re good at taking orders then.”
I choke around a fry and frantically gulp down water to clear my throat. Antoine chuckles. Across from me, Eddie shoots the pair of them a scathing glare. He doesn’t look at me though. Barely acknowledges my existence.
It… hurts. And it’s confusing.
Yesterday, he admitted he was into me. He spent the entire day getting furniture for my room. He bought me flowers. When he came home today, he looked at me like he was a breath away from peeling the towel off me and taking me to the ground.
With the state I’ve been in since yesterday, I don’t think I would have objected.
I shoot Matty a surreptitious glance, my pulse quickening as I recall the way his body felt beneath mine, sweat slicked and trembling, all tense muscle and soft, creamy skin. His eyes meet mine, and twin circles flare pink on his cheeks. I wonder if he’s remembering that too, remembering my hand on him…
“Since we’re all here, I think we should talk about a few things,” Seth says, drawing our attention to him. His voice is warm, a tentative smile curving his lips, but his brown eyes hold a hint of worry. He settles his hands on the table beside his plate, the knuckles still bruised and swollen. “About what happened on the weekend.”
I swallow, my throat tightening around my food, my mouth suddenly dry. The warmth pooling low in my belly dissipates,as if someone has opened a door in the middle of a blizzard. I’d been happy to forget about that storm. To forget about Tom. He’s gone, his stuff is gone. If I try hard enough, maybe I can make every memory of him disappear too.
Seth gives me a sympathetic smile, and for some reason that makes everything worse. I’m not some victim.
