Page 19 of The Mountain
To my surprise, it’s Eddie who speaks out, opening his mouth for what must be the first time all evening. “Fuck that.” He drops his half-eaten burger on his plate. “I don’t want to talk about that piece of shit. Not while I’m eating.” His face contorts into a scowl, and he shudders with disgust. “And I’m pretty sure Lily doesn’t want to talk about it either. Do you, Missy?” Some of his bluster falters as he asks this question, like he’s worried he overstepped. Like maybe I’m going to agree with Seth.
I shake my head and give him a grateful smile. It feels brittle, sharp. “No, thank you.” I shiver, ice snaking up my limbs at the memory of Tom’s face, the way he loomed over me as I lay on the bathroom floor. Powerless. I’d been so powerless.
I never want to feel powerless like that again.
I give Seth a conciliatory smile. I know he means well. He’s just trying to look out for me, to make sure I know I can talk about this with him, with all of them.
“There’s actually something else I’d rather talk about…” I hedge, recalling the conversation I’d overheard as I was waking up. Recalling my ineloquent admission.I like all you guys… actually. A lot.
Since then, uncertainty has settled over my skin, turning to budding panic in the face of Eddie’s sudden coldness. It feels too much like powerlessness. Like waiting for other people to decidemy future. I’ve done that my whole life. I can see that now. My whole life, I’ve been as helpless as I was on that bathroom floor. A passive but present observer while others decided my future.
Well, not anymore.
I clear my throat. “So, you know when I was waking up yesterday…” I start, glancing cautiously around the table.
Across from me, Eddie freezes, brown eyes going wide, like some animal caught in the headlights. Next to him, Seth’s hands tremble, then clench into fists.
What do you want?Seth had asked.You get one life, Lily. Some people think you get more, and that’s fine, whatever, but as far as I’m concerned, this is it. You get today. Now. Maybe you get tomorrow.
That conversation seems like a lifetime ago. It’s hard to believe just a few days have passed since then. Because now, I know what I want. I think I did then too, but I was too scared to ask for it.
I’m still scared if I’m honest.
I square my shoulders and focus my gaze on Eddie. “I meant what I said.” My heart races, an almost sickening staccato. It’s one thing to say these words in a half-drugged haze behind closed eyelids, and another to say it at the dinner table, beneath the glaring kitchen lights. “I like you guys. All of you.”
I swallow, my gaze drifting to Seth, just in time to see him let out a shuddering breath, like a sigh punching out of him with force. My own breath quickens, but the flutter in my stomach is a pleasant one, the whispered wings of butterflies, and something warm snakes up my spine.
“You asked me what I want,” I remind him, a wry smile curving my lips. “Well, I want you.” I turn, casting a shy smile at Antoine and Liam, then Matty. “I want all of you.”
Liam’s hand tightens on my thigh and Matty reaches under the table, his large palm hot against my opposite knee. “I want you too,ma puce,” Antoine says, his voice gravelly, his green eyes burning. “You know I want you.”
I nod, my cheeks flaring hot as I bite the inside of my cheek.
After yesterday morning, I don’t have any doubts that Matty, Liam, and Antoine want this just as much as I do. My gaze drops to the table, then back up to where Seth and Eddie sit shoulder to shoulder across from me, staring at me with such different expressions, it has my heart stuttering.
A slow smile spreads across Seth’s face—the first real smile I’ve seen from him since the weekend. Brown eyes light up, warm and glowing under the kitchen lights. “You mean it?” he asks, resting his forearms on the table as he leans toward me. “You want to be with me?” His eyes dart around the table, lingering on Antoine the longest. “With all of us? Together?” His smile widens, and the sight of it has something swooping low in my belly.
I nod, giving him a smile in return. Seth lets out a laugh, the sound explosive and powerful, and then he’s pushing back from the table, scrambling out of his chair and practically sprinting to my side. He pulls my chair out, Liam and Matty’s hands falling away as he hauls me to my feet, pulling me against him in an embrace that has the breath whooshing out of me.
“I can’t tell you how happy this makes me,” Seth murmurs, the words hot against the side of my head. “I’m so fucking gone foryou, Lily. I didn’t think… I didn’t even hope…” He clears his throat. “I mean, you know about me. You know I’m not going to… um… that we won’t...”
I wrap my arms around his waist, tightening my hold on him, and laugh into his chest. “I know,” I tell him, my cheek pressed against him, my voice muffled. “You know that doesn’t matter.” And it doesn’t. Not when just the warmth of his arms around me has my heart feeling like it might burst. I don’t need sex with Seth for this bond forming between us to be more real, more solid.
I pull back, needing to look at him, needing him to see how serious I am. “I want to be with you,” I tell him again, my voice low, my eyes on his.
I reach up, wrapping my arms around his neck, pulling his face toward mine so I can press a kiss to his nose, his forehead, so I can see the gold flecks scattered like sunlight in his brown eyes. His nose scrunches up at my flurry of affection, his teeth catching his lip as he smiles down at me.
The sound of wood scraping against linoleum has us both startling, the golden bubble around us popping, dissolving like mist. Eddie pushes to his feet, cheeks stained pink and expression unreadable, something that fluctuates between a pained smile and a scowl as he stares at the table, at his feet, at the hallway over his shoulder. At anything but us.
“Thanks for dinner,” Eddie mutters, collecting his plate and carrying it over to the sink. It lands on the counter with a clatter, the fork falling to the floor. Eddie curses under his breath, bending to pick it up. “I’m going to bed. Been a fucking exhausting couple of days.”
And with that, he’s pushing past us, striding down the darkened hallway, his door slamming shut behind him.
I’ve slept alonemy entire life. Even when I was dating Steve, I never liked to spend the night at his place. We’d fool around, and then I’d drive myself home. To the safety and comfort of my own bed.
I don’t think I like sleeping alone anymore.
I let out an irritated sigh, rolling from my side to my back to stare at the gray darkness above me. The room is quiet. Too quiet. I don’t miss Tom’s snores, or the grotesque sounds of him hooking up with random chicks. But after last night, I miss the sound of Liam’s breathing, the feel of Antoine’s arms around me. I miss Matty’s warmth, his body rising and falling beneath my own.
