Page 15 of The Hellcat Barbies: Aubree
Day three I had to stop wasting time and energy on something that I couldn’t change. I got up, made some coffee, changed the sheets on my bed, and cleaned my bedroom. Once I got dressed for the day, I went to get my car detailed. I then took myself shopping to celebrate winning the race. Of course, there were plenty of times that I still felt guilty about giving Brianna to my aunt but the reason for my somber state was because of Brasi. No matter how many times I apologized to him it wouldn’t be enough.
When I gave Brianna to my aunt, it was always understood that I could be in her life, but my aunt was her mother. She had no plans to tell Brianna she was adopted until she was eighteen. Of course, I was family. Me being around her and even us favoring one another wasn’t odd. If I introduced Brasi to her asmy friend, the older she got, I wasn’t confident that she wouldn’t one day put it together. She looked way more like Brasi than she looked like me. The red hair and the skin. I couldn’t risk it. I never wanted to put my aunt in an awkward situation. Brianna was hers. Case closed.
When my car was done, I stopped by the grocery store. I was going to vlog myself deep cleaning my kitchen then cooking. My subscribers liked when I documented my adventures, but they also liked regular content of me cooking, cleaning, traveling, doing skincare routines, etc. I was in the middle of chopping an onion when the doorbell rang.
I didn’t bother to look at my app to see who it was. Instead, I just waited until I reached the door and looked out of the peep hole. Instantly, my mouth went dry as I observed Brasi standing on my porch. I really was tired of arguing with him. I had no clue what he wanted, but I didn’t want to fuss. With a soft expression on my face, I opened the door and gave him a small smile.
“Hi.”
“I’ve tried hard as hell to just walk away from this shit with no closure or long drawn out interactions. But this shit is bothering me.”
“I’m sorry, Brasi. I really am. Autumn didn’t have the right to tell you the way she did, but I didn’t have a right to keep it from you. I know you’re still trying to process it. But if you don’t believe anything else, please believe that I didn’t do this to hurt you. Call me weak. Call me whatever you want, but I just didn’t think I could do it. But then I’d see girls younger than me with two or three kids, and I’m like damn, you couldn’t even handle one. If it’s one thing I’ve done, it’s beat myself up.”
Brasi walked inside the house and leaned against the wall. “One thing I’ve always heard people say is, black people don’t give their kids away they keep them and do what it takes to raise them. But most of those same people never know life outsideof struggle and government assistance. I had to think long and hard and there wasn’t anything wrong with you wanting to give shorty the best life possible. I stand by the fact that my people would have helped on my behalf, but I wasn’t here.”
“Can we talk in the kitchen? I’m in the middle of cooking.”
Brasi followed me into the kitchen, and I cut my camera off. “You recording?”
“Yeah. That’s how I pay my bills. YouTube and social media. I’ve been slacking lately, so I was just going to vlog myself cooking.”
“Shit don’t let me stop your shine. You can turn the camera back on. I’ll step out of the way. Do I need to be quiet?”
“Nah. I was going to do a montage. Just put some music over it. They like when I do that. I don’t always have to talk nonstop in my vlogs.”
“Damn this is crazy. I bought a camera today. I want to start a channel, but I don’t know…” his voice trailed off.
“Really? What kind of channel do you want to start?” Brasi wasn’t the content creator type. Hearing that he wanted to start a channel was shocking.
“I kind of want to teach kids,” he stated bashfully while scratching the back of his neck. Before he could continue, my eyes widened with anticipation.
“Science? You want to teach kids science?” My tone held hints of hope and excitement. I was always infatuated with how smart Brasi was. Some looked at him and saw dope boy. I knew the Brasi that told me random facts like one cloud can weigh as much as eighty elephants. Or that more than half of the earth’s oxygen is produced by oceans and not trees.
Brasi chuckled. “Yeah, something like that. You think it’s a dumb idea?”
The way he stared at me like my opinion really mattered, and he was afraid to hear it, made me swallow hard. With himlooking at me like that, there was a slight twinge of hope that he didn’t actually hate me.
“No, I don’t think it’s dumb at all. Brasi, I think that’s one of the dopest ideas you ever had. I’d love to help you.” I realized how eager I sounded, and my heart palpitated from fear of him refusing my help. “I mean, just because I’m familiar with YouTube and have a monetized channel. But if you don’t want my help, I understand.”
“I can be stubborn as hell, but that’s never really gotten me anywhere. I don’t know one thing about YouTube, so I’d appreciate your help. And I’ll pay whatever your fee is.”
“I don’t have a fee because I’ve never helped anybody start a channel before.”
“Well think of one. I don’t expect you to put time into teaching me for free.”
“I wish things had ended differently than they did.” The confession was random and off topic.
“Dwelling on the past hasn’t done anything but make us angry. It’s time to let that shit go.”
“Let it go and what? Smile at one another in passing every time we run into each other?”
“What’s wrong with that?”
I went back to the task of cooking dinner. I’d never speak the words that were on the tip of my tongue. When it came to Brasi, I didn’t want to just be cordial. No matter how stupid I felt for feeling that way, I did, and there was no use in lying to myself. I could feel Brasi’s eyes on me, but I avoided eye contact for as long as I could.
“What’s she like?”
His question sent daggers through my heart. It was one simple, innocent question, and it made tears swell in my eyes. I kept my head down and closed my eyes. A tear managed to escape, but I was scared to brush it away. I didn’t want Brasi toknow that I was crying. What I wanted didn’t matter. The scent of weed and some kind of body oil flooded my nostrils as I felt his presence beside me. Opening my eyes still wasn’t an option until I felt the roughness of the pad of his thumb as he brushed the tear off my cheek.
