Page 16 of Miss Debenham's Secret
Debenham opened the door to the knock.He was prepared for this visit and he knew what to say, but nevertheless he was shocked when he saw his visitor, and felt a momentary inability to speak.He’d made Clarissa believe it was an old friend but he’d lied, to spare her feelings, he told himself self-righteously.This was all for Clarissa’s sake and nothing to do with his fears for his own lonely old age.
In fact the man who was visiting him today was Lieutenant Alistair McKay.
The young man had gone off to sea hale and hearty and he’d returned a cripple.He walked with the aid of crutches because half his leg had been sawn off, and there was a rather ugly scar on his face too.
“Come in then,” he said gruffly, and turned away so he wouldn’t have to watch the chap struggling through the doorway and into the parlour.
He waited until Alistair had sat himself down, with some awkwardness, and offered him tea.
“I won’t stay for refreshments,” Alistair said quietly, and there was no lurking smile in his eyes, as there used to be.Alistair was not only changed outwardly, physically, but inwardly too.
“I am here to talk to you about Clarissa,” he said with quiet determination.
Mr.Debenham had thought as much.It was why he had made certain his daughter would not be present at this interview.
“Clarissa is doing very well at the school,” he said quickly.“She is in charge now that Mr.Marly has taken a position at my old grammar school.She seems to have a real aptitude for the work.”
Alistair gave a ghost of his old smile.“I’m glad to hear it.I’m glad she is doing well.Is she happy, do you think?”
“Of course.”
“I had planned, when I returned, to ask her to marry me.I didn’t know it myself until I sailed away, but I think you did, didn’t you, Mr.Debenham?”
Debenham frowned and nodded slowly.“I did, and I didn’t approve although I suppose I would have allowed it, seeing Mr.Marly has gone off.But surely you don’t still intend to do so?”he asked, shocked.“You are a cripple, sir.You can’t mean to burden my poor daughter?And what of her work at the school?She is doing so well; you can’t surely expect her to give up all of that to live in poverty with a cripple?”
The words were probably rather harsh but Debenham refused to allow sentiment to interfere.They must be said.
The man was looking down, his hand closing and unclosing on one of his crutches.He seemed to be labouring under some intense emotion.When he finally lifted his head he was paler even than before, the scar standing out like fiery red, but he looked as if he had come to a difficult decision.
“You’re right, of course.I cannot marry her now.It would be unfair to burden her.But I fear if she knew I was injured she would come to me whatever you or I said to the contrary.”
Debenham grunted in agreement.Since his daughter had made the acquaintance of McKay she had become extremely wilful.“Then you must write to her and tell her you have met someone else,” he said.“The pain will be sharp at first, but it will fade, and it is better for her to suffer now, briefly, than to spend her whole life mourning.I’m afraid Clarissa is the sort to form a tragic attachment to your memory,” he added with distaste, forgetting he had done the same thing with his dead wife.
“Yes,” Alistair nodded.“You are right.A small lie is better than letting her continue to hope.”
Alistair struggled to his feet again and Debenham looked away uncomfortably.Once at the door he held out his hand and his eyes stared into the older man’s, to an almost unnerving degree.“I will leave you then, Mr.Debenham.Please, look after Clarissa.She is a treasure, and I don’t think you quite realise how lucky you are.”
And he was gone.
Debenham shut the door and didn’t watch him depart.He was relieved that the matter had been dealt with so easily, and now they could be comfortable again.And yet there was a niggling sense of guilt when he remembered the expression in the man’s eyes.
Pain and sadness, almost as if his life was over now.
He shook his head.Lives did not end because hearts were broken.He knew that well enough himself.No, this was for the best and he refused to believe it could have ended otherwise.
***
Alistair stood on the Cobb and stared at the sea.He’d wished many times since he lost his leg that he could have died that day, that he might have been taken as a whole man, and not left as a cripple.
But such thoughts seemed ungrateful to the doctors who had sweated to save him, and the kindness of those at the naval hospital who had helped him to learn to walk again.At least he had enough savings to keep him from penury, no matter what Debenham seemed to think.
He could have kept himself and Clarissa quite nicely, and there was talk of a job with his uncle in the country, helping to run the estate.“You don’t need legs to give orders!”the man had said, when Alistair explained the situation.Perhaps his uncle felt some guilt, as he was the one who had bought Alistair his commission in the navy.
But there was more to marrying Clarissa than being comfortably off.Debenham was right there, as much as Alistair loathed the man.He could not burden Clarissa with a cripple for a husband, not when she was working at a job she loved and making her own way in the world.It wouldn’t be fair.
She would probably come to resent him and he would come to hate himself for causing her to do so.They would end up just like his parents, and the very thought of it made him even more certain he was doing the right thing.
It was just as well he’d given her no sign that he meant to come home and marry her.Quite the opposite in fact.He’d struggled so hard to hide his love from her, and himself, that she could never have guessed the depth of his true feelings.
