Page 105 of Unkindness of Crimson Ravens
“I would never—” Francis took my hands into his, but they were not strong enough to pull me out of the storm. “I would never let them take you, Cordelia,” Francis said slowly. “I was going to kill the Wurdulac leader the moment he took a step toward you.” He squeezed my hands. “When I created this plan, I didn’t know you. I—” Francis swallowed hard. “I wasn’t in love with you, Cordelia.”
“Don’t—” I whispered; a silent tear fell down my face after all. “You let me believe you, you let me kiss you,” I said, smiling. “You let me trust you, knowing I was nothing more than a piece of your plan. Do not say you are in love with me.”
“It’s not like that, Cordelia.” He let out a shaky breath. “I should have told you earlier, I know: I made a mistake. I tried to tell you, but—” Francis trailed off. “I could never find the courage to get the words out.” His thumb wiped the tear off my face. “When I created this plan, all I cared about was to stop the Wurdulacs no matter the price. I am sorry.”
You used me.I wanted to say, yet the hurricane had swallowed my voice.You used me just like everyone else in my life.
“Please say something.” Francis’ hands brushed over my face, and I could not even find it in me to move away. “Hit me, shout at me, say something, please!” he begged.
“You should have just asked me,” I whispered. “I would have helped.” I smiled at him through my tears, freeing myself from his embrace. “I need some air.” I turned away, leaving the hurricane behind.
In the hallway I still heard the orchestra playing, yet could not enjoy the music. Streams of tears fell down my cheeks freely as my legs carried me away.
The main door entered my vision when the voices of two women froze me in place. Florence and Roxanne could not see me from this angle, engaged in their own conversation. My soul abandoned me when I walked toward the pair as the tears fell with new power.
“What happened this time?” Roxanne noticed me first. She crooked one brow at me as though my tears could never be worthy of her time.
“You knew,” I bit out to Florence.
“Cordelia?” She stretched out her hand in an attempt to comfort me, yet I moved from her reach. “What’s the matter?”
“You knew that he’s been using me,” my voice shook. “You all have.”
“Cordelia...” She closed her eyes, shaking her head so slightly.
“I trusted you, Florence,” I whispered. “I do not trust anyone, but I trusted you.”
“Cordelia—” Her eyes turned into glass as she tried to take my hand into hers once again. “I am so very sorry.”
I shook my head as I turned away from them, rushing through the main door.
Someone called after me when I slammed the door behind me.
The snow storm hit my face, forcing me to sober up. The cold froze my tears in place; the wind rushed down my skin in dozens of tiny cuts. Though I did not feel pain, I did not feel the cold as I walked out of the courtyard towards the woods, away from here.
The gloomy woods met me with outstretched hands, enveloping me in a tight hug. The sun would make its appearance soon, though I couldn’t find it in me to care.
Despite my urge to leave this castle for good, I did not walk far. I had nowhere else to go, nor did I wish to actually leave despite my heart’s painful wails. I just needed time. Perhaps anhour, perhaps a few. I needed time away from this disaster, from Roxanne, from Florence, from Francis.
I leaned on the giant oak just a mile away from the castle, staring at the lonely—like me—moon.
Of course I understood his motives; the hard decision Francis had to make, yet my heart refused me any logic. Now, away from everyone, I even understood Roxanne’s annoyance towards my tears: there were bigger problems than my own. People were missing, Caleb was gone and we did not know where he was.
The war was knocking on our doors.
My own tears seemed foolish given the circumstance, but I could not rule my heart, therefore I had to deal with its storms. For it was my heart that whined so loudly in my chest; for it was my heart that broke into dozens of small snowflake-like pieces, making me feel all the pain and grief I wished to bury deep inside of me and never see again. For it was my heart that bled bright crimson.
A deprecating laugh escaped my lips. Of course he had used me.
Perhaps he was not even responsible for my pain, for it was my poor judgment that got me here. I’d been the one to allow any proximity between us, I’d been the one to be foolish enough to allow his charms to blind me, make me forget the true nature of life. I let the naivety speak for me: so desperate for affection I let my guards down.
I was to blame for it.
I didn’t know you. I wasn’t in love with you, Cordelia.
The wind blew at me, making my hair fly in every direction. I stared at the bright full moon, and asked her what to do now. The moon did not reply, hiding behind the cloud.
A raven flew past me, settling on the nearby branch it stretched out its wings. It let out a gurgling croak when itseyes met mine. I studied its feathers when the snow behind me crunched under someone’s steps.
