Page 67 of Slow Heat
Jason held him tighter. “I don’t know. We’ll figure it out, though.” His chest ached. “You’re not unmanned. You’re Xan and you’re my best friend.”
Xan turned slightly, his face wet with tears as he nuzzled against Jason’s throat. He pressed an open-mouthed kiss where Jason’s collar rubbed and moaned softly.
Jason didn’t want to let go, but he wasn’t going to do this again. In the long run, it’d just hurt Xan more anyway.
“Don’t.” Jason pulled back far enough to tip up Xan’s tear-wet chin. “I can’t do that with you anymore.”
“Why?”
“You know why. But it doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person to want that. It just means…”
He didn’t actually know what it meant. Xan was in danger if he continued to pursue that kind of activity. If he asked the wrong alpha to help him satisfy his urges, being ashamed of himself was the least of his concerns. He could be beaten or reported to the authorities as unmanned—as unnatural. Jason didn’t know what consequences might come of that, but they couldn’t be good.
“I wish I’d been born an omega,” Xan murmured, tugging away from Jason and wiping at his eyes.
“But why? Omegas have to give up everything to their alpha once they contract. They don’t have any social or financial control. And then there’s heat and childbirth.” Jason shuddered thinking about all that his pater had suffered over the years. “I wouldn’t want to be an omega for anything.”
“Because you don’t want what I want!” Xan shouted, standing up. He paced the room, blue eyes wide and wild. “You don’t understand how much this hurts! All this hiding. All this lying. You were the only one I could be myself with and now you’re gone.”
“I’m right here, actually,” Jason said, as patiently as possible. He didn’t know how to keep a grasp of Xan and his slippery fears. “I’m here listening to you.”
“But you’d rather be with him.”
Jason sat up straighter, putting some firmness into his voice. “He’s myÉrosgápe. You’re my best friend. There’s no comparison. But I’m not going to leave when you’re this upset.” He reached out, but Xan avoided his grasp, so he patted the bed next to him. “Calm down. Sit with me. It’s going to be all right.”
Xan ignored him, opened a window to let in some fresh, cold air, and pushed his head out. He took deep, gulping breaths. When he’d settled, he turned back to Jason, arms crossed over his chest.
“It’s going to be okay,” Jason said again.
Xan shook his head. “It’s easy to say that when everything in the world is going your way.”
Jason sat quietly for a few moments, until Xan left the window to sit down on Jason’s old bed. Tension and anxious despair were all that seemed to be holding Xan together. Tears leaked from his eyes in a steady stream.
“Everything isn’t going my way,” Jason said. “I’ve got struggles, too.”
“I know,” Xan murmured, palming away a tear. “You’ve got omega troubles. Everyone’s weirded out by you now.”
Jason hiccupped a laugh. “Don’t sugarcoat it, asshole.”
“Okay, everyone’s been talking about your old, used up omega and how you’ll have to take a surrogate and—”
“Shut up.” His fists tightened. “Why are you being this way?”
“I’m being honest.” Xan’s blue eyes flashed hard and angry. “That’s what they’re saying. If you contract with him, that’s how it will always be. You’ve seen how they’ve treated you lately, acting like you’re a leper, acting like you’re going to give them all bad luck just by being near you.”
The other alphas were distant with him now, it was true, but he figured it was something that would pass sooner or later, just like everything in life did. But maybe Xan was right. Maybe if he contracted with Vale—whenhe contracted, rather—he’d be ousted from the better parts of society forever.
It hurt, but so what? He’d have more time for gardening, microscope slides, and scientific journals. More time for his planned research into the wolf genes that had created the alpha, beta, and omega genders. More time to spend with Vale and whatever family they made together.
Screw society. He wasn’t a big fan of it anyway, and neither were his parents, though they skated the edges, always going to the right events and parties to keep from being deemed outcasts. He came by his avoidance naturally.
“We’re the same, you and me,” Xan said. “For different reasons, maybe, but it doesn’t matter. What we instinctively want isn’t up to the standards of our culture, and because of who we are, we’re screwed.”
Jason didn’t know what Xan wanted him to say. As far as seductions went, convincing him that they were both doomed to a life of isolated misery wasn’t a compelling one. As far as anything else, well, what was he supposed to do about it? He couldn’t change his attraction to Vale any more than he could change Xan’s desire to be fucked like an omega.
He took the opportunity of Xan getting up to close the open window and adjust the flow of air from the heater to check his watch. He needed to leave soon if he was going to get home, get into nicer clothes, and make it to Vale’s before the rest of the dinner party arrived. He’d wanted to be first in hopes of capturing a few precious moments alone with Vale. Even if it was on the front porch for propriety, it’d be amazing to have his undivided attention.
“How’s it really going, by the way?” Xan asked, calmer now. “How are things with Professor Aman?”
