Page 71 of Alpha Heat
“It was humiliating,” Caleb whispered. “When he didn’t bring it all up right away after we arrived, I decided to pretend it never happened. I thought he might be willing to play along. But then I realized he just wanted to needle me with it constantly and call the cruelties nothing more than flirtation.”
Xan considered offering up Janus’s apologies and assurances, but he held them back, a rare otherworldly certainty descending. He should give Caleb the space to share his story and feelings first.
“I didn’t love him the way I love you,” Caleb said again.
“All right,” Xan repeated softly. The alpha in him wanted to cover Caleb completely and rub his scent all over, assert his dominance over him until slick began to slip from his hole. He also knew that would never happen. Caleb only produced slick during heat, and never in response to another person. He didn’t experience attraction.
And Xan wasn’t attracted to him anyway. But whatever instincts he still had—even as an utter failure of an alpha—made him want to comfort Caleb in the way an alpha would. He almost laughed to himself; it would only make things so much worse. Besides, who was he to judge Caleb’s past entanglements? After the horrors of his own?
“I knew he was your cousin when we contracted. I planned to tell you about it then, but he was never at any of the family dinners. I was grateful for that and let myself believe that your families weren’t close. So when you started coming home from your father’s office with complaints about Janus returning from some sort of exile to suck up to your father, I was horrified. And then…” Caleb’s voice broke. “This is hard.”
“I’m here.”
“I’m so sorry, Xan.”
“It’s all right.”
“It’s not. Because when your father said we weren’t to come to any family dinners anymore, I was relieved. I didn’t want to see him again.”
Shoving aside the prick of betrayal, Xan stayed on course. “Did he hurt you? Janus?”
“Not physically. And, to be fair, if I was hurt it was my own fault. He never pretended to be anything other than who and what he was, and apparently still is.” Caleb sighed and snuggled in closer, scenting along Xan’s neck for comfort.
Xan stroked a hand up and down his back. “You can tell me. I won’t be angry.”With you.As for Janus, well, he wouldn’t promise that.
“I met him at a Philia soirée. He spotted me hiding in a corner, like he said. It was my second year out and my parents were set on finding an alpha for me. Janus didn’t seem to care about my father’s addiction or loss of fortune. He was funny and full of gossip. He pulled me in simply by coming around and refusing to leave.”
“If I recall correctly, I used a similar tactic.”
“You did. But unlike Janus, you had a good heart.” Caleb kissed Xan’s chest and then rubbed his cheek on his shirt. “I let him in. I laughed at his jokes. I allowed him to call on me at home. I took his phone calls. And while I didn’t feel attraction for him—I never do—I felt warm and hopeful. I feltsomething. And that feeling allowed me to think I could tell him the truth.”
Xan went cold. “He knows about you?”
“He hinted one day that he wanted to contract. It wasn’t an actual proposal, but another inch in that direction. I went to my bed that night and tried to imagine letting him touch me, kiss me…. Fuck me.”
Xan kissed Caleb’s hair. His heart squeezed.
“I didn’t want that. But I did want—remember I didn’t know about you, that I would meet you and we could make a good life.”
“It’s all right,” Xan reassured him. “You know I did things with others in the past. Felt things for other men, and still do.” He missed Urho so fiercely in that moment. He wished he could throw himself into Urho’s arms and be comforted. But no, Caleb was his friend—his family—and Xan had to be strong.
“I imagined a future with him. A home, friends, and a life. I’d had one heat already at that point, so I knew I’d be willing when that time came. But the idea of being with him outside of heat was horrible to me.” Caleb shuddered like he did every time he thought about having sex with someone else. “Still, I hoped.”
“You hoped he loved you for you. Or could.” Xan knew. He’d been there. Wolf-hell, he was there now with Urho. Could the man really love him? Or was their bond going to be purely physical? He shook the questions from his mind, returning his focus to Caleb.
“Yes. I was sure I’d be alone forever. I wanted to believe that all the things he told me—that I was everything he imagined in a contracted omega, that I was the most beautiful man he’d ever seen, and that he adored me—could be true. So when he came around again the next week, I took him out into my pater’s garden, and I told him the truth.” Caleb’s voice hitched.
“He spurned you.”
“He was kind enough in the moment. But, yes, he said that wasn’t the kind of life he could stand to live. He never called me or came around again. It was humiliating. I saw him at Philia parties and he ignored me. He treated me like I was nothing. No one.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“Then he left the city for a long time and I thought that was the end of him. Until I met you. I knew he was your cousin, but he never came up in conversations and when I met your family he wasn’t discussed. I hoped he was someone I might see only once in a while at larger family functions, and hopefully after you and I had produced several beautiful children that I could parade in front of him. And I’d hoped he’d believe that with you at least I didn’t suffer from this weird affliction.”
“It’s not an affliction. It’s just who you are, Caleb. We aren’t all the same.”
“We both know that in this world, that’s not true. We’re both afflicted—you with taboo desires and me with an unacceptable lack of any desire at all.”
