Page 35 of Any Given Lifetime
Joshua said, “No? Not even your mother?”
Neil swallowed. “I love my mother very much. But I’m a terrible son.”
“Oh, really? Did I just hear you say, Dr. Green, than you areterribleat something?”
Neil’s lips quirked, and he gazed down at the carpet, unable to look at Joshua as he smiled at the jab. “Just don’t let it get around.”
Joshua snorted. “I hate to break it to you,” he said, drawing air in through his teeth, “but you seem like the kind of guy whose reputation precedes you. I doubt anyone would be surprised to hear that you’re a jerk to your mother.”
Neil flinched. “I never said I was a jerk to her.”
Joshua’s head cocked with interest, and he seemed to back down from whatever barb he was going to throw next.
“I said that I was a terrible son. But I don’t mistreat her. Is that what you think?”
Joshua’s brow furrowed with some confusion. He seemed to understand that he’d hit a sore spot, and, in typical Joshua manner, he was sorry for it now. “Frankly, Dr. Green, I don’t know what to think of you.”
Neil nodded once to indicate that what Joshua had said was fair enough. He still felt defensive, though. He thought of Alice with her dark brown hair and the kiss she’d planted on his forehead every night at bedtime as his body grew into his mind, and he wanted more than almost anything else to find a way to make it up to her, to make up for having beenhim.
“Are you okay?” Joshua asked.
Neil couldn’t believe it. After the ways he’d been hurtful and callous, Joshua was askinghimif he was okay. Joshua was still such a good-hearted man that it made Neil’s chest ache. Simple country boy, with a heart of gold. He jerked his head in affirmation, averted his gaze again, and rubbed his fingers through his hair. He heard Joshua take a sharp breath.
“Yeah, well. I’m sorry about your lover. And your husband,” Neil said, the words coming out low and tired. “I’m just sorry. For everything.”
“I…uh, thank you,” Joshua said, sounding confused.
Joshua stood up from the chair and sat down next to Neil on the bed. Not incredibly close, but the weight of him dipped the mattress lower, and Neil could smell his aftershave. It was nice. Different from years ago, but still very nice. Older, somehow; more mature.
Joshua tilted his head down, trying to see Neil’s face. “Dr. Green? What’s going on here? I feel like there’s something you’re not telling me.”
Neil shrugged. What could he say without cutting Joshua open needlessly? “No, no. Everything is fine.”
Joshua nodded. He sighed heavily, and he sat there, so close and so horribly far. Neil’s entire body wanted to lean against Joshua, to turn and press him to the bed, to climb on top of him, to kiss him, to smell him, to be near him, and to hold him for the rest of his life. If he could just make himself tear Joshua open with the truth now, they could both lead a very long life. Together. It was excruciating.
Neil stood, kept his back mostly turned, and grabbed his suitcase. He plopped it onto the bed next to Joshua and started to fill it with his few clothes. Coming to Scottsville, seeing Joshua in person…it had been a bad idea. Now he really didn’t know how he was going to survive without him, and he hadn’t even touched him. He kept his focus down, because if he looked into Joshua’s tired eyes, he was going to lose all resolve, and then he’d be responsible for Joshua’s pain.
“Dr. Green?”
“I’m sorry, Mr. Stouder,” Neil said. “Coming here has been a waste of both of our time.”
Joshua sat there, watching. Neil could feel him, but he didn’t look.
Finally, Joshua said, “Dr. Green…hey. Listen. Neil—”
A shudder went through Neil to hear his name spoken by Joshua in such a gentle, tender tone.
“Neil, if you need help.”
He was being stretched out on a rack. He didn’t know how much more of being near Joshua he could take before he came apart. He spat out whatever words he could grab from his mind, so long as they didn’t have anything to do with wanting to kiss Joshua’s neck, or being reincarnated, or missing him. “Help? What I need is money, Mr. Stouder, and since you’re unable to relent there—”
“Fine, fine, forget I mentioned it,” Joshua said, standing up. He’d raised his hands in surrender, though there was an undercurrent of worry to his voice. “I’ll just get out of your way, and then you can get out of here.”
“Maybe, if we’re lucky, we’ll never see each other again,” Neil said, feeling that much closer to tearing in half as he said the words.
“Yeah, if we’re lucky.”
Neil closed his eyes, letting out a hard breath, prepared to tell Joshua to get out if he had to because he couldn’t take another minute of it.
