Page 56 of Any Given Lifetime
Neil shrugged and was surprised when Joshua reached out and took hold of his hand where it rested on the table. Neil relaxed a little, letting his lips turn up at the edges. “She does. Surprisingly. I sometimes even think she likes me.”
“Of course she likes you, Neil. She’s your mother.”
“But I’m not her son,” Neil said seriously, voicing a thought he’d never shared before. “I’ve always been me, Joshua. And she had no part in who I am. I don’t look like her. I don’t think like her. There’s nothing in me that she influenced.”
“That’s not true. You don’t live with someone for twenty years and not take in some of who they are,” Joshua said. “I’m different because of Lee. I’m stronger, and more peaceful. I know I’m worthy of being loved—and of being loved really well.”
Neil’s stomach twisted. He wanted that for Joshua, and he could see that it was true. Yet he’d wanted to be the man who taught him that. Instead, the job had fallen to someone else.
“Good,” Neil said, keeping it simple, thinking that Alice would be proud of the control he was exerting over his mouth.
“So, she taught you something.”
“How to make the best of a sorry situation,” Neil said.
Joshua let out a puff of annoyed breath.
“If you’re expecting rainbows and puppy dogs from me, you’ll be disappointed,” Neil said. “My mom ate Ramen Noodles to send me to a private school for bratty geniuses and never got the thanks she deserved. Being my mom didn’t pay dividends. Not in happiness and not in affection from me. I do my best, but it’s not something I’m good at.”
Joshua narrowed his eyes. “You seem plenty good at it to me.”
“That’s sex, Joshua. It’s different.”
Joshua rolled his eyes and sighed.
“I don’t hug and kiss on her. She’s a physically affectionate woman, and she never got what she needed from me. I’m hoping she’ll meet a man. She deserves that kind of happiness.”
“I remember physical affection from you,” Joshua said, looking uncomfortable. “From the you before.”
Neil shrugged. “I can’t help touching you. You’re some kind of magnet for everything weak in me.”
Joshua covered his face and took deep breaths. “Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.”
“If you freak out, I’m going to freak out,” Neil said, his voice going high and choppy.
“I think we can both freak out. I think that’s okay. I think we’re allowed.”
“Okay. You go first.”
Joshua looked up at that and started to laugh, a delirious, crazed sound.
“What?”
“Is that how it works? We take turns?”
“I think so. I mean, you’d know better than I would. You did that relationship thing for a long time. I’ve screwed my roommate for two years, and had some regular fuck buddies in my prior life that I might have passed off as relationships but really weren’t, so I think you probably have a leg up on me here. But I’m a fast learner, and I don’t think you’ll find it a problem. This is sink or swim, and I’ll swim. I’ll swim the Atlantic Ocean if that’s what it takes. The Pacific! And you can count on that.”
“You are so freaking out,” Joshua said, his laughter still hiccupping in a panicky way in his throat.
“I am. Yes.”
“I think I should get to go first. You’ve had twenty years to get used to the idea that you’re reincarnated. I’ve had a few weeks if we count the time when I just thought youmightbe my Neil.”
“Okay, then. Have at it.”
They stared at each other over the table, and Neil’s heart thudded in his chest waiting forsomething big. And then Joshua picked up his sandwich and started eating.
“What?” Neil asked.
