Page 18 of Mr. Frosty Pants
Casey’s eye roll was fairly satisfying, so Joel let it drop. They stared at the water together, and when the silence grew uncomfortable, Joel patted his jacket pockets and pulled out a mostly empty pack of cigarettes. He’d planned to quit this year, but most days seemed to bring a new reason to grant himself the gift of one more cigarette. He shook one free and then, glancing up at Casey, he shook out another.
He doubted Casey had any idea what a gift he was giving him in one of his preciously parsed out smokes. But never let it be said that Joel was a scrooge with what he had. He might be curmudgeonly, but he was generous.
Lighting both cigarettes in his own mouth, enjoying the hot smoke as it swirled into his throat and lungs, he closed his eyes. When the nicotine hit his veins, he felt steadier. Opening his eyes, he handed the second smoke over to Casey, who took it as gingerly and inexpertly as he ever had. Joel tried to hold back a laugh as he watched Casey’s plump lips wrap around the end and take a small draw.
The reaction wasn’t as intense as it had been the first time Joel had convinced Casey to share a smoke with him, though. Coughing until tears came to his eyes, Casey covered his mouth and shook his head hard. “Wow. It’s been a long time,” he croaked. Then he took another drag and coughed less, exhaling in a jerky stream. “Oh, yeah,” he moaned gently. “There’s the rush I remember.”
“Good?”
Casey shrugged and considered the cigarette before taking another puff. “Kind of like an Oreo: not good at all, but at the same time, fantastic.”
“I hear you.”
They smoked their cigarettes in silence. Joel was on the verge of making a smartass comment about how Casey could go by the gas station and buy his own pack the next time he needed a smoke, instead of dropping in where he was unwanted. But it wasn’t true that he was unwanted, and while Joel had no problem being a liar, he didn’t want to turn into a hateful man like his dad. So, he kept that unkind comment to himself, which was better than he’d managed last night.
A sad shame filled him as he remembered the things he’d said. So what if he’d been hurt by Casey ghosting him after high school? He didn’t have to be an asshole. He wanted to be better than that.
Eventually, Casey turned to him, all amber-eyed seriousness, and announced without preamble, “I’m gay.”
Joel glanced his way. “I know.”
“You do?” Casey swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing.
“Yeah.”
“How?” Did he sound scared or was that just Joel’s imagination?
“Google,” Joel fibbed.
Close enough. He wasn’t going to admit to Facebook-stalking Casey like a lovesick psycho. And he’d never own up to the fact that he’d even downloaded the Instagram app once just to see if Casey had an account. (He didn’t. Or at least, he hadn’t at the time.)
Casey’s eyes brightened. “You looked me up online?”
“Curiosity. Killed the cat.” He flicked the ash from the end of his cigarette. “You know how it is.”
“Oh, yeah, man. I know how it is.” Casey nodded meaningfully, his eyes bright and yet somehow shy. “I’ve tried to look you up, but there’s nothing. Just stuff about Vreeland’s and that old Facebook account I made for you.”
“Just the way I like it.” Joel smiled tightly. He wasn’t a big fan of the Internet. At least not for anything other than streaming TV shows and watching porn. Why did people want to share their every waking moment with the world? Privacy was a thing he cherished. So was his dignity.
“So you know?” Casey took another drag on his cigarette and released it slowly. “About me?”
Joel nodded and let smoke stream from his nostrils.
Casey ashed his cigarette, opened and closed his mouth a few times, and then asked, his voice shaking vulnerably, “Is that what your attitude yesterday was all about? Do you have a problem with me being gay?”
“Why the fuck would I have a problem with it?” Joel glared at Casey, flicking ash on the ground between his feet.
“I don’t know. You were friends with RJ and Becca, so it’s not like you’re a bigot. Or you weren’t.”
“Still not.”
“Okay. Good. But I thought maybe you couldn’t handle it if it was, you know, me, who was gay.” Casey licked his lips, his shoulders drawing up higher. He managed to curl his limbs tighter on the bench, like he was bracing himself against something.
“You? What’s so special about you?”Oh God, everything.Joel internally rolled his eyes at himself.
“Nothing. But did you…maybe you…” Casey groaned, thrust the cigarette back in his mouth, and raked his hands through his hair before dropping them to hang between his knees. After a few puffs, he pulled the cigarette free. “This is stupid. It shouldn’t be so hard.”
Joel studied Casey carefully—the tension in his eyes and back, the pleading need for acceptance in his eyes—and he didn’t want to have this conversation anymore. It was too much like the last time they sat on this bench, so close to confessions that would have come too late to make a difference anyway.
