Page 39 of Bitter Heat
It was a fib, but there was no need to put morbid thoughts in Kerry’s head or let him think that Janus had ever thought him capable of such a terrible thing as suicide.
Kerry’s expression—previously tentatively pleading and set in his desire to reassure Janus that his visit to the town doctor wasn’t an intended insult—went blank, and then closed off entirely. “I don’t sing.”
Janus stepped closer, and Kerry stepped away. “But I heard you.”
“You heard wrong.”
Janus stared at him. Was Kerry really going to lie to him baldly? After all they’d been through over the last few days? After all hehadn’tconfronted Kerry over or demanded answers concerning his attempted abortion? “I know what I heard.”
Kerry shook his head. Took another step back.
Janus held his ground. “Are you suggesting it was the wind? Or a ghost? Or the house creaking?”
“Or a dream.” Kerry tilted his chin up defiantly.
“A dream?”
“Yes.”
Janus cracked, stepping forward again with hands up and a nearly embarrassing note of beseeching in his voice. Too revealing to anyone who wanted to listen. “Why are you lying?”
Kerry thrust his shoulders back and put his chin up even higher. The position emphasized his concave chest, the slight deformity evident by the fall of his shirt. “Because you should take a hint, Janus. I don’t sing for audiences. Not anymore. Not ever again.”
Janus tilted his head, trying to figure Kerry out. He scented him in the air again, tasting his anxiety and his fear, and settled on ignoring Kerry’s rudeness. That’s what Caleb would do. Probably. Maybe. It didn’t matter. It’s what Janus was going to do. He crossed his arms over his chest and said nothing.
After a few tense moments, Kerry rolled his eyes, and with a sweet exhale of held breath, relaxed his stance. Janus’s chest felt cracked open with the victory of it, and satisfaction poured out of him so strong it felt like a light shining in the shadows of the attic. Kiwi flew back to Kerry and nosed at strands of his long hair.
“Hint taken,” Janus finally said. “But just so you understand, I know exactly what I heard, even if you hadn’t meant it for me.”
Kerry wiped a hand over his top lip, and then he spoke again, with more care in his voice than Janus knew what to do with, “It’s still early, Janus. You should be asleep. I’m truly sorry for waking you.” He smiled a little like maybe he was giving in to something he’d been resisting, even though Janus didn’t know what that might be. “The start of the workweek will be here before you know it, and Dr. Crescent always travels over to Stumbling Rock on the first of the month. It’s an ordeal, and there will be plenty of sick men to treat when you get there.” Kerry stepped forward again, reaching out his hand as if he wanted to touch Janus and steer him back down the stairs. “You’ll need your rest. Why don’t you go back to bed? Pater won’t be up for another few hours. I promise, Kiwi and I won’t bother you again.”
“I wasn’t bothered.” Janus noted the way the shadows played in the room, sliding as the sun rose. He was tempted to step forward, too, and touch Kerry, run his fingers into his hair, tip his chin up and… What? There was no place for that in this situation. He cleared his throat. “Yes, all right. I’ll go back to my room as you’ve asked. But, Kerry, please let me say this one thing.”
Kerry stiffened as if he expected something horrible. Maybe those recriminations that Fan had warned Janus against.
“You have a lovely voice, and it was a pleasure to hear you sing.”
Kerry relaxed again but said nothing, keeping his eyes on Janus as he made his way back downstairs. Even once Janus was below eye level, he could feel the intensity of Kerry’s energy boring into his back, almost forcing him to down the stairs and to his room.
Finally, just as he reached the bottom of the attic stairwell, Kerry’s deep voice floated down to him. “Thank you. For the compliments.”
Janus paused, almost turned around and went back up, but instead replied, “You’re welcome.”
He carefully closed the door to the attic behind him and leaned against it, suddenly realizing he was shivering. It was probably because he was wearing nothing but his pajamas and robe in the cool air of the morning. Or maybe it was because Kerry was such a confusing knot of contradictions.
One Janus wanted to unravel.
Kerry had knownbetter than to go up into the attic, but some part of him had wanted to be heard singing. And by Janus at that.
He’d spent the night before in comparative luxury at the hotel in Blumzound’s finest suite, but he hadn’t felt safe there at all. Every sound in the hallway had startled him awake. Every sigh the building released as it settled with the descending night had left him wishing for his lumpy bed at home in Hud’s Basin. Every cough or whisper of his in-laws he’d overheard through the walls left him longing for the safety of his pater and the strangely comforting scent of the alpha boarder he’d only just started to trust.
In that jittery restlessness of the long night, he’d let his mind move away from worries and fears regarding his pregnancy, and dwell for the first time on Janus. He’d wallowed in the safe feeling of the man and alpha, and he’d fantasized about Janus in ways he’d never allowed himself before. Not when they’d been in such close quarters. Janus was undeniably handsome, but the events around Kerry’s attempt to abort the child had also proven him to be caring, competent, and kind. He had never interrogated Kerry or demanded answers. He’d treated him entirely professionally, and maybethathad stung a bit more than Kerry wanted to admit, but at the same time, it was a comfort. It was safety. There was nothing threatening about a respectful and attentive alpha. Nothing scary. It was enough to wonder what kind of man Janus might be when he truly cared for someone…
The strange yearning and curiosity had followed Kerry home in the pre-dawn darkness as he’d bumped along in the backseat of the hired car. It tugged at his heart as he’d let Kiwi out of her cage and filled his senses as he’d taken deep breaths of Janus-scented air permeating the boarding house. The longing had held fast as he’d climbed the attic stairs.
So maybe he’d tipped over that trunk on purpose. Maybe he’d sung a song it pleased him to imagine Janus hearing.Maybe, in the pearly dawn hours, he’d felt strangely romantic for the first time in a bitterly long time. So,maybe, he’d staged a meeting with a strong, handsome alpha in a remote area of the house where, had he been a different man, in a different place, and not nearly so afraid, something might have happened between them. Maybe he’d pretended to think Janus was his pater initially to save face and to play out his fantasy of being discovered and seduced.
But that absurd dreaminess had finally dissolved as soon as he’d turned to see Janus’s physical form there at the top of the steps. Yes, Janus was still skinny for the size of his frame, but he was large. Not that much taller than Kerry, but broader by far, and his muscles were already returning after just a few swims in the lake. Janus could easily overpower Kerry. Hurt him. Force him.
