Page 83 of Bitter Heat
“The plan is what it has to be: I’ll do my best by him. But the opening to his womb has softened. I’m not sure if we can turn the tide back. But I’ll try.”
Zeke stared up into Janus’s eyes. “And if he doesn’t want to try?”
Janus swallowed hard, the pit in his gut tightening. “Then we don’t try.”
“You’re willing to do that?”
“I’m not going to violate him,” Janus said. “He’s had far too much of that already.”
Zeke nodded, then whispered with accent in full force, “Please keep ’im safe. The babe is…I could love that there babe even if he can’t. But, if it comes between ’em, Kerry’s my heart.”
“He’s mine, too.”
Zeke pressed his lips together and nodded hard, water standing in his eyes.
Janus went into the room again and found Kerry by the birdcage, Kiwi in his hand. He stood with the bedsheet wrapped around his swollen waist, his naked torso gleaming in the afternoon sun through the window as he watched the bird prance in his palm. To Janus’s astonishment, Kerry sang to him in low, vibrating tones. Janus recognized the lullaby he sang to Kerry at night.
Watching as the breeze from the open window caught in Kerry’s hair and lifted it, a clamping sensation over his heart overcame Janus. He’d do anything for this man. Anything at all.
He’d even administer the other medication that Fan sent if Kerry wanted it. He only wanted to see him delivered from the agony of pain and a twisted uncomfortable future full of fear. He wanted him to sing, and smile, and open to Janus like a bloom in the sun of love.
A cramp grabbed Kerry by the middle, and he hunched over hard, interrupting Janus’s romantic mental lark. Kiwi flew up into the air and flitted around the room, screeching in worried fear. Janus hurried over to put Kerry back down on the bed.
“There’s no time to waste,” he said, though he’d been doing just that moments before. “We need to decide now, Kerry. Do you take these medicines to try to save him? Or do we see what wolf-god has in store without them?”
Kerry’s lips trembled, and he shot a sharp look over his shoulder. His arm came up and then dropped again. “Kiwi,” he said softly.
“You can hold him again later,” Janus said. “Let’s focus now. What do you want to do, Kerry? This is your choice. I’m just here to help you through it.”
Kerry’s long throat bobbed with a swallow. His eyes went to the window, and he stared out for a long time. Janus didn’t look away. He simply sat and breathed with him. In and out. Another breath. And another.
“It’s like with the lake,” Kerry said finally, his voice sounding crushed.
“What is, sweetheart?”
“Wolf-god gave us the lake to heal us. He expects us to use it. Science is like that. And so are you.”
Janus shook his head, confused.
“Wolf-god sent you here to me. You found me in the woods. You’re here beside me now.” He looked up at Janus. “He sent you, and I suppose I should use you like I would the lake.”
“You don’t have to do this because you think it’s what wolf-god wants,” Janus said. “He’s forgiving.” Not really, according to the Holy Church of Wolf, but Janus wasn’t so good at believing in all of that anyway. He didn’t want Kerry making his choice because of fear.
Kerry nodded, his gaze going to the window again. “If I could have lost him when I took the pills, that would have been for the best. But I didn’t. If I lose him now, it’ll be…” He brought his gaze back to Janus. “It won’t be pretty, will it?”
Janus shook his head. “He won’t survive more than a minute or two. But it will be a hard couple of minutes.”
“I don’t want that.”
“It’s up to you.”
“I said I don’t want that,” Kerry spit out, sudden rage rising in his eyes. “I wanted to be rid of him before, and if I could have done it then, fine. But not like this. So, give me the pills. Put the paste inside me. I’ll carry him as long as I can. I might not love him, but I don’t want to see him die like that either.”
Janus took a slow breath to keep from letting out his own cry of frustration. There was no good answer today—nothing to feel relief over or pride in. He took up the first tin and began to explain the medication, handing it over to Kerry one tablet at a time, along with a glass of water to swallow the bitter pills down.
Kerry was gratefulthat Dr. Crescent hadn’t been home when his pater and Yosef had made their way up to the cabin. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Dr. Crescent with his best interests, but now that he’d been with Janus, he didn’t want any other alpha putting his fingers and hand inside him to apply the paste and check the opening of his womb.
Caleb’s baby cried off and on as the hours passed, and the cramps came and went, they grew more aggressive and then waned again. And when they finally faded away entirely, they left him feeling wrung out and sad. The cries of Beckhem were a distant hymn. Almost like a song of grief. He didn’t know how to feel when Janus told him that his womb was still sufficiently closed, the paste had done the trick. So, he stared at the open window, laying with his back to the door and to the concerned group of men who stalked outside it.
