Page 16 of Bitter Heat
Kerry watched fromhis windowsill perch as Janus set out for his second day under Dr. Crescent’s tutelage. Janus’s strong shoulders sagged under the weight of the bag he’d slung across his back, and yet he strode with purpose, apparently undaunted by whatever horrors he’d faced yesterday.
And Kerry knew he’d facedsomethingoutside of his citified expectations. The distant, stunned expression in his eyes when he’d returned home last night, as well as his stilted conversation at the dinner table, told Kerry that much was true.
And just like the first night, when Janus had gone out into the dark and down to the lake despite Kerry’s warnings about wild cats, he couldn’t help but feel a little impressed as he watched Janus leave. Not every man was brave enough to return for a second helping of hell. Not when they had a choice about it.
He rubbed his abdomen, feeling the taut skin beneath his shirt. Overnight it seemed, he’d developed a rounding beneath his belly button and above his pubic bone. The baby would only grow faster and faster now.
It had been a month since his visit to the prison.
If he was going to end this torment, it had to be today. And while Dr. Crescent didn’t advertise his services in this regard, rumor had it that he provided them. Or rather his omega, Fan, provided them without Dr. Crescent’s supervision or permission, in a secret room in the back of their house. But Fan only intervened early on in a pregnancy and only if there were no counterindications.
Kerry didn’t know what those might be, and he hoped his chest deformity didn’t count as one of them. If anything, it should count in favor of ending the affair before it proceeded any further. He rose carefully, put Kiwi back in his cage, and dressed in old clothes. If there was much bleeding, he didn’t want to risk ruining his best pants. Then he put his hair up without looking at himself in the mirror.
In the kitchen, Pater washed the morning’s dishes. He turned from the sink when Kerry entered, and his cheery, red-cheeked smile faded as he looked Kerry up and down. “Today?” he asked.
Kerry nodded.
“Are you certain?”
Kerry shook his head and then shrugged. His pater came to him, hands still wet, and horror all over his face. “Pater, don’t. What else am I supposed to do?”
“You could have him, Kerry. We can deal with this together.”
Kerry shook his head, wiping a hand over his sweaty upper lip. His stomach flipped over. “My chest…”
“It’s not ideal, but you’re strong. I believe you can survive it.”
Pater’s hope was touching, but no guarantee. Besides… “If I have him, they’ll want him.”
Pater touched his cheek. “If you don’t, they’ll make you try again. This could be your way out. If the little one is born with the potential to be an alpha—”
Kerry shook his head. “Stop. We’ve been over this.”
Pater gave him a scolding look. “We’ve done no such thing. We’ve never talked even the first time about this little ’un inside.”
“Well,I’vebeen over it. In my head. Over and over and over. What do you think I’ve been thinking of all these days and weeks?”
“How to love him?”
Kerry scoffed and then crossed his arms over his chest, blinking up at the ceiling with his eyes stinging. “Pater, I can’t love him. I can’t find it in me. I’ve searched.”
“But the child is blameless.”
“I know.” Kerry shook off his Pater’s touch and turned away from the offered breakfast on the table. “I’d best not eat anything. I don’t know what the procedure entails.” He moved as though to leave.
Pater grabbed his arm. “Let me come with you.”
“No. This is something I have to do alone.”
“Why?”
“Because I can’t stand to have you see it, or me. I won’t be able to go through with this at all if you’re there looking at me like that.”
Kerry kissed his pater on the head, and then turned away, refusing to hear any more or look into his pater’s sad eyes for another moment. He gathered his black cardigan sweater from the coat rack by the door and pulled it on before setting out along the same path Janus had taken. He just hoped that he could handle this and endure whatever happened after without his pater needing to deal with any aspect of it, or this alpha, Janus, finding out.
Miscarriages came on naturally enough. If Janus believed that Kerry lost his child through no fault of his own, then he’d at least continue to respect him, maybe even pity him, which wouldn’t be a bad thing. A pitying alpha was often a care-taking alpha, and even though Kerry didn’t want to engage the man in friendship or more, having him be solicitous and careful around him wouldn’t be terrible either.
The path up to Dr. Crescent’s house was steep, and by the time Kerry broke through to the clearing, he was winded. Pausing to catch his breath, hands on his knees, he cast his gaze toward the stables and saw no waiting patients. Two horses were gone, and the doctor and Janus were nowhere to be seen. They must be out on rounds.
