Page 26 of Bitter Heat
He walked down the hallway as quietly as possible, not wanting to wake Zeke or worry him. The door to Kerry’s room was cracked, left open by Zeke in case his son needed him in the night. Janus pressed it wider and was relieved to see Kerry sleeping heavily in his bed. The moonlight dropped in against the floor and shafted over the bedspread, lighting Kerry’s face, showing off his ample lips and smooth forehead. His eyelashes gleamed darkly against his cheekbones, and his hair spilled everywhere, unbound and beautiful as it dried on the pillows.
The gleaming birdcage stood to Janus’s right as he tiptoed in, and he breathed a sigh of relief that Kiwi remained asleep, head tucked beneath his wing. Janus stepped close to Kerry’s bed and reached out, tempted to run his fingers through Kerry’s beautiful tumble of hair, but then pulled his hand back. It wasn’t his place. Kerry wasn’t his omega, or even friend, to touch affectionately like that. To touch as a doctor, yes, but not as anything more.
Kerry didn’t appear feverish, but Janus allowed himself a soft touch to his forehead to check. If anything, Kerry felt a bit chilled. So, Janus turned away from the bed to close the windows that Zeke had left open and then turned to go.
“Thank you.” The whisper came from the bed. Kerry lay there in the moonlight, oddly beautiful in a way that tugged at Janus. He wanted to smooth away the wrinkles in his blankets, touch his cheek again, and declare him safe now, in his care. Janus shook off the weird and possessive feeling. Inappropriate at best and disturbed at worst. Kerry had just tried to abort his child! What was wrong with Janus that all these strange, unwanted alpha urges were kicking in?
Janus whispered to himself, “It’s my duty to feel this way. I’m a nurse now.” That had to be it, right? Intense emotions surrounding an intense situation. Nothing more. “I only want to help you. It’s my job to do what it takes to keep you safe.” His voice felt rough, and he swallowed thickly. His job. It was hisjobto feel this way. That was all. Thathadto be all.
Janus turned from the bed, easing back toward the door. He’d almost made it when he heard Kerry say, “You’ll make a good doctor.”
Janus didn’t look around, afraid that if he did, he might say or do something he couldn’t take back. As for Kerry, he said nothing else and didn’t try to stop Janus from leaving.
Janus left the door cracked on his way out and went back to his own bed. With a confusing mix of feelings, he climbed in and stared at the ceiling for a long time. When he finally fell asleep, it was to dream of dark, curly hair spilling out over a crisp, white pillow, and a smoky voice whispering darkly into his ear. The words were sensual, but not sexual, and he shivered when he woke, trying to recall them.
He failed.
CHAPTER EIGHT
“Inever wantedto hurt you,” Wilbet said softly, reaching out with his big, strong hand to stroke along Kerry’s face. He gripped Kerry’s chin hard, and Kerry winced. “But you make it so hard…”
Kerry jerked awake, his heart pounding, and covers kicked to the floor. At least he’d woken before the nightmare went on to its usual conclusion. He put a hand to his stomach and felt the rigidity there. He squeezed his eyes shut. What kind of person was growing in there? Another monster?
Kerry rolled to his feet and dashed to the bathroom, puking for the first time since the earliest week. He washed his face in the sink, and then returned to climb back into bed. The morning sun poured in sloppily like it didn’t care at all what it touched, or how the object of its affection might feel about it.
It’d been three days since he’d tried to abort the child, and he still hadn’t left his room. Not because he wasn’t capable, but because he was ashamed. Pater brought him food and water, cared for Kiwi, and read books aloud by Kerry’s bed at night, poems usually, nothing that required sustained attention by either of them.
Janus, for his part, carried on with his duties and his life as if nothing untoward had happened. Not that he didn’t check on Kerry often, because he did. Three times a day: once in the morning, again when he returned from his work with Dr. Crescent in the afternoon, and once more before bed. There wasn’t much conversation between them, though, and their interactions were perfunctory and professional. Kerry didn’t know what to make of it, but he got the impression that the problem wasn’t that Janus didn’t care about him or his situation, but rather that he cared too much, and that he had questions he wanted to put to Kerry, but perhaps, didn’t feel they were appropriate.
Kerry lay in bed, wondering why Janus hadn’t come to him yet this morning; the sun was already far up in the sky. Normally, Janus came just after dawn. Kerry liked the way Janus smelled in the morning—fresh from washing, he was a mishmash of roses and lemon with a good base of pine-scent, too. Kerry wondered if he used pine-scented soap or hair cream, or if he just naturally smelled of the evergreen. He wanted to know the answer, though it was a dangerous question to even harbor.
He didn’t mind Janus’s scent in the afternoon, either. The sweat and warmth of the day radiated from his skin and clothes, and Kerry could well imagine he’d earned every bit of tiredness that also bled into that odor, like a sour note to all that gorgeous citrus and rose.
And at night…oh, at night, Janus smelled of the lake: damp and green. He swam every evening after dinner. Pater had mentioned it casually, but Kerry wouldn’t have needed to be told. The way it altered his scent was undeniable. Kerry had been tempted to get out of his bed of shame, sit on the sill, and use his binoculars to watch Janus again. But he hadn’t.
Self-pity was a powerful enemy of any action.
A soft knock came at his door, and Kerry rolled over, eager, curious as to why Janus was off to such a late start. Only to find Pater standing there waiting for Kerry to wave him in. Kerry beckoned him forward, disappointment like a stone in his gut.
“Janus left before dawn to begin his work with Crow,” Pater said as if he could read Kerry’s mind. “He believes you’re past any danger now. Though, he instructed me to check you this morning for fever, cramping, or other unusual pains.” Pater sighed, his tired eyes fixed on Kerry with the same hurt they’d held for days.
Kerry said nothing, gazing back at his pater with his heart in his throat. He wanted somehow to turn back time, to bring the pills home and take them with Pater there to care for him—to do it all the “right way.” Moreover, he wanted the pills to work this time, for the child he was now stuck with to be gone, and for Janus to be none the wiser. But time was cruelly one-directional. What’s done was done, and the outcome undeniable. He’d have to learn to accept it. But how was he ever going to erase the look of betrayal from Pater’s eyes?
“How do you feel this morning?” Pater asked after the silence drew out awkwardly.
“I’m fine.” Kerry gritted out. His pater raised a brow, and he amended, “Physically, I’m fine. The rest of me…” He shrugged.
Pater nodded, and his shoulders slumped. “Wolf-god help me, I don’t know if that there’s good news or bad.”
“What do you mean?”
Pater let out a long breath. “I need to talk to you, son, in a serious way. Get dressed and meet me downstairs. I sliced berries and cheese for you to eat.”
Kerry nodded, his gut knotting up in anticipation. He watched his pater leave before doing as he was told. Taking a little time to let Kiwi out to fly around the room while he dressed, he wondered about his pater’s wariness. There was no way to know for sure what Pater needed to tell him, what he had to get off his chest that was this kind of serious, but Kerry reckoned he deserved it. He kissed the bird’s beak before replacing him in his cage in front of the tiny mirror.
Tempted to drag his feet as he walked down the stairs, Kerry was aware with every step of the still-strained muscles from the cramps, but he forced himself to a normal pace.
The teapot on the stove was still rattling with heat, and the kitchen was overly warm as the morning sun streamed in the windows. Kerry sat down to the simple breakfast his father had plated for him, eating it slowly as his pater cleaned up from Janus’s breakfast earlier. After he put the dishes away, Pater joined Kerry at the table.
