Page 76 of Bitter Heat
“I’ll have him here. Then I have to take him to the city, where I’ll chestfeed him for two years. Then I’ll come back, wait for my next heat, and…” He shrugged. “Do it all again.”
Janus’s teeth made an ominous grinding noise. “I’m tempted to be distracted by your insistence that you’ll have to spend another heat with him. But I won’t let that happen. Yosef says that—”
“Yes. I know. But I don’t want to believe you or him. It will hurt too much if you’re both wrong.”
Janus touched his cheek and left the subject behind. “But the baby, Kerry. What happens to the baby after those two years in the city?”
Kerry swallowed hard. “I leave him there. Monte and Lukas will raise him. That’s what they want. And it’s what I want, too.”
Janus stared at him, his cheeks pale like the sun had never tanned them at all. “You can’t do that.”
“I can, and I will.”’
Janus swallowed thickly. “Kerry, they raised a monster.”
“They’re not entirely bad people,” Kerry whispered, putting his hand on his belly, feeling the baby move beneath his palm. “And they aren’t going to let me keep him. Even if I wanted to.”
“And you don’t want to?”
“I can’t love him, Janus. I’ve tried.”
“Sweetheart, you haven’t let yourself love him, because you don’t intend to keep him.”
Kerry groaned. “Where’s the problem with that? I’m a means to an end for that family. He’ll be the heir if he’s an alpha, and the first-born son if he’s not, and…” Kerry shrugged. “He’ll be better off with men who won’t blame him for where he came from.”
“Kerry…”
“I told you that you wouldn’t like it, but I was honest,” Kerry said bitterly, rolling to his back again and breaking eye contact. “Can’t we just leave it at that? I’m sorry you’re disappointed in me. I’m sorry that I’m not a man who can love unconditionally. I’ve tried, but Janus, you weren’t there when he…when Wilbet…” Kerry’s throat tightened, almost cutting off his breath.
“Shh,” Janus said, pulling him close, kissing his hair and cheek. “I know. I know.”
“Youdon’tknow. He chokes me. He punches me. He pinches and bites, not out of passion, but because he wants to hear me scream. Hecan’t comeunless I’m screaming, do you see? And if this child has so much as a single feature of his, then I will loathe him. Utterly. How could I not?”
Janus soothed Kerry, holding him close. “I’m sorry. I understand. It’s your choice, Kerry. It should have always been your choice.”
Kerry let Janus rock him, confused by his irritation at Janus’s easy capitulation. Why he wanted Janus to argue for his son, he didn’t know, but he wanted to know that if he did decide to ask Mr. Deckel to help him fight for the babe, Janus would want him, too. Had he ruined it all with his candidness? “Don’t think about it,” Kerry said, his throat tight still. “What I just said? Please, forget I told you. I don’t want you to think about me that way.”
“I love you,” Janus said, his voice rough. “I won’t ever let that happen to you again. I will kill him first.”
“Good luck with that,” Kerry said with a short, miserable laugh. “He’s well-guarded.”
“Accidents happen,” Janus said darkly.
“No,” Kerry said. “The last thing I want is for you to be in prison, too. Please. Just let this go.”
“No, I won’t let this go. And neither will you. That’s why Yosef is here, and Caleb—to help you out of this. We’ll do whatever it takes to keep you safe.”
“I can keep myself safe.”
Janus nodded, but they both knew it wasn’t true. “Caleb wants to help, too, you know. With money. With my cousin Xan’s social power. However he can.”
Kerry stiffened slightly in Janus’s arms. “Why should I accept help from your cousin’s gorgeous omega who you were once in love with?”
Janus nuzzled Kerry’s hair. “You are my heart now. You, and you alone.”
Kerry let Janus kiss his neck, and they fell into lovemaking again.
But Kerry couldn’t entirely banish his jealousy of the ethereal man who’d shown up like a dream and permeated the house with his scent and easy laughter. How could Kerry ever compete with a cultured, beautiful omega like that?
