Page 10 of Slow Birth
“Urho, really, you are too blunt today,” Vale scolded. “He’s scared, can’t you see that?” He reached out his hand for Jason to come to him, but Jason didn’t.
Jason straightened his shoulders instead and said, “We’re all scared, Vale. You don’t need to tiptoe around me.”
Vale’s brows quirked, and so did his mouth, but he didn’t argue, which was kind of him. Jason knew he’d been less than what Vale needed since they got back. Not nearly stoic enough. Crazy with worry. Compulsive in his care.
“Please leave us,” Vale said to quietly to Urho. “Thank you for coming. You’ve been the best friend to us both, and I love you for it.”
Jason bristled slightly, but let it roll off. It wasn’t that kind of love for Vale. It never had been. For Urho, however? Yes. He’d loved Vale—and probably still did—with the kind of romantic ardor that Vale deserved, and which Jason worked hard to ignore. Because otherwise he’d have to murder Urho, and that seemed like the sort of thing Vale would have a hard time forgiving him for. And the sort of thing he’d have a hard time forgiving himself for, too. Consciences were a pain in the ass.
Urho issued some further instructions regarding the pills and Jason heard them through a wall of white noise. Watch Vale’s temperature. Keep him cool. Let him cramp and bleed and pass the child out of his body. “Don’t be surprised if he comes out in more than one piece,” Urho said calmly in the same way Jason might say, “Don’t be surprised if the daffodil bulbs multiply.”
Vale made a choking noise at that and Jason hustled to his side, dropped to his knees, and wrapped his arms around Vale’s middle. He said nothing, though, holding Vale hard but not talking, because what could he possibly say? They were going to destroy the most beautiful thing they’d ever made.
“Call me if you need help,” Urho said, putting his hand on Jason’s head in a way that should have pissed him off, but instead felt like sympathy and shared sadness. “You know my number.”
Then Urho left them alone with the tin of pills and the silence of the study.
“Mreow.” The small noise came from beneath the sofa, and Zephyr crept out, her silver fur gleaming in the morning light from the windows. She bounded onto the hearth and perched there, watching them with her golden eyes, still as a statue.
“I wonder if he would have your eyes,” Vale whispered, and Jason held him even closer, pressing his face to Vale’s stomach and scenting the small seed of their child growing in there. “Your hair.”
They were silent for a long moment until Zephyr broke her pose and trotted through the door into the hallway.
“I wanted children,” Vale said. “My whole life, I wanted them.”
“Vale,” Jason said cautiously. “Don’t do this to yourself.”
“I want this child, Jason.”
Jason swallowed, and tears filled his eyes. He sat back on his heels. “I know. But you can’t have him.”
Vale pressed his lips into a grim line, and he clenched the tin convulsively. “I could.”
“No.”
“I don’t have to take these.”
“Vale, baby, you can’t leave me.” Jason’s voice broke. “Please. I know this is hard. I want him, too. I can smell how perfect and beautiful he is, and I know that he’s part of you, and part of me, and…fuck…” He broke off, the tears that kept coming ever since the heat in the mountain cabin overwhelmed him again. “I want him, too, but we can’t have him. We can’t.”
Vale sat very still. His knuckles white around the tin. “You want him, too?”
Ice dripped into Jason’s veins. His eyes went wide. “Whatever your thinking, don’t. Don’t do this to me.”
Vale nodded slowly. “You’re right. I know you’re right.”
Jason took him by the hand and pulled him up from the wingback chair. “Let’s get it over with, baby. Before we second-guess ourselves.”
Before you make me lose you entirely.
In the bathroom,standing in front of the mirror, Vale held the small white pills in his hand. He could hear Jason in their bedroom, readying the bed with old towels to catch the blood and gore should the pills work. Vale shuddered and put his hand over his stomach.
He was naked now. Jason had helped him out of his soft pants and t-shirt, kissing his shoulders, pecs, and thighs as he did. There’d been nothing sensual in it. No, it’d been worshipful, sorrowful, and scared. Like he needed Vale to understand that every part of him was what Jason needed—now and always.
I want him, too.
Vale heard the words again. Jason’s voice had trembled and shaken with grief as he’d spit the confession out. His alpha wanted their child—probably just as much as Vale did, if not more. And the one thing Vale had been afraid of from the start had come to pass. He was denying Jason a family. His injuries and scars were depriving the best man in the world—the sweetest alpha to ever live, the most beautiful soul he’d ever know, the most loving boy in the whole world—a family of his own.
What would happen if he didn’t end it? What other options were there? The last time he’d gone to Urho for a checkup, he’d asked him to check the scar tissue. But he’d noticed it wasn’t as painful when he and Jason had sex now, and that it seemed to be more amenable to rough activities like fisting. Which Jason loved to do, and Vale enjoyed as well. Riding Jason’s wrist with his fist balled up inside him as a makeshift knot was always beautiful between heats. During heat, it wasn’t enough, but for the months in between…perfect.
