Page 81 of Smoky Mountain Dreams
“When we were kids she was a daredevil. A spitfire. Nothinglike Nova and Tim, who’re all into peace and love and harmony. Nothing like hersister Ronnie either. Just full-on Marcy. We did a lot of stupid shit together.”He smiled. “I miss her, you know?”
Christopher stopped playing, and leaned over to squeezeJesse’s forearm gently. Jesse seemed encouraged by that and cast him a gratefullook before continuing.
“But things weren’t right between us, even though I lovedher.” Jesse closed his eyes and shook his head, and then opened them again togaze up at the ceiling like he was searching for the way to say the next words.“It was sex.”
“You didn’t enjoy sex with her?”
“I did. But, see, before I fell in love with Marcy, I’dalways identified as gay. I fucked men and I liked it. I’d never felt anydesire for a woman. But I’d never felt what I’d call love for a man either. Notthe kind of love you read about where you’d do anything for that person to makesure they were happy and safe.”
“I want that kind of love one day.” The words were outbefore Christopher could stop them. His breath stuttered.
Jesse looked at him with soft eyes. “I want you to have it.You deserve it.”
Christopher swallowed hard and started to play again, but hedidn’t take his eyes away from Jesse as he asked, “Could you feel that kind oflove for a man? Or is there a missing connection between the sexual desire andyour romantic inclinations?”
“I could fall for a man. I know that now,” Jesse said. “Itwould just need to be the right man.”
Christopher whispered, “Go on.” The anger and hurt andhumiliation he’d felt earlier were gone, replaced by only concern and longing.He knew in his heart that Jesse hadn’t meant to keep the truth from him, andwhat they had between them was too good to abandon over a miscommunication.
“I felt that kind of love for Marcy. The kind you hearabout. And when that grew into something sexual too, no one was more surprisedthan the two of us.”
“So what happened? The sexual attraction just faded away?”
“I don’t know how to describe it. Eventually, I just…Iwanted men. I told myself it didn’t matter—that sex didn’t matter. I considermyself bisexual, but sometimes I think I was really just bi when it came toher.”
Christopher put down the guitar and scooted over to the sofa.He was ready to touch now—ready to be as vulnerable as he felt; as vulnerableas Jesse was being. He slid into the space under Jesse’s arm and brought itdown around his shoulder, turning so he could still see the side of his face.Jesse relaxed a little next to him, exhaling audibly, and before he spokeagain, he turned and pressed a kiss to Christopher’s temple.
“Do you want me to keep talking?”
“Yeah. I want to know it all. No more surprises.”
Jesse nodded. “You believe that I didn’t intend to keep Marcy’scondition from you? Because I truly didn’t, Chris. I’m so sorry that happened.”
Christopher nuzzled Jesse’s cheek. “I know. I believe you.”
Jesse exhaled again. “Thank you.”
“Go on, then. I’m listening.”
“So, I wasn’t satisfied, but we already had a familytogether and the good outweighed the bad. I told myself to ignore whatever wasmissing. I tried to believe that living without having sex with men was betterthan breaking up our home.”
“That’s honorable.”
“Maybe. But with the way things turned out…well, fuck. I’vefelt so shitty about it over the years.”
“You couldn’t help how you felt.”
“But I didn’t have to hurt her.”
“Oh. She knew?”
“Yeah, she knew. We’d talked about it. We were always honestwith each other, for better or worse. I’d told her when I realized the feelingsweren’t going away. She was hurt of course, but in her usual no-bullshit sortof way.”
“Oh hell, Jesse.” He snuggled in closer, wrapping his armsaround Jesse, wanting to help hold his pain.
“It’s okay, Chris. Really. It’s been a long time now.” Jesse’svoice was rough with emotion, making a lie of his words.
“Five years isn’t that long when it’s shit like this.”
