Page 82 of Smoky Mountain Dreams
“No, I guess not.” He buried his nose in Christopher’s hair,breathing in and out slowly. When he spoke again, his voice was still tight,but he seemed calmer. “Everything changed after the accident. I changed. We alldid. Brigid used to be a really easy-going kid, but now she’s anxious andsuspicious of strangers. Suspicious of you.”
“I understand. It’s not her fault. She misses her mama.”
“It wrecked her. Stole her childhood. Broke her heart.”
Jesse’s voice came with hot breaths that puffed overChristopher’s head and the back of his neck as he pressed his ear to Jesse’schest to listen to his heartbeat.
Jesse went on, “Will’s too, in a way. But he was younger andmore resilient by nature. Fuck, I’d do anything to give Brigid her mom back.”
“Me too,” Christopher said, and his mind went to her origamicranes. Jesse’s heartbeat sounded in his ear, warm and alive and resonant.Christopher imagined small fingers fluidly going through the movements offolding the cranes and creasing the lines. He knew what that took. So muchintent. “I’d make two thousand paper cranes,” hewhispered, but he wasn’t sure Jesse heard him over his struggle to regain hiscomposure.
Jesse was silent for a moment, but then carried on, like heneeded to say it. Christopher wondered if he’d ever admitted these things toanyone else at all.
“We’d talked divorce. We’d even talked open marriage. But neitherof us really wanted that. We weren’t happy with the status quo, either. Nomatter how hard I tried, I’d checked out of sex with her. It wasn’t anythingbetter than comforting, which was pleasant, but not compelling. Not how it wasin the beginning when we were both so in love and our bodies were so new toeach other.”
“Do you think it would be like that with a man? You’d getbored when the rush of newness faded?”
“I don’t know. I don’t think so. Like I said, I’ve neverbeen in love with a man before.” He lifted Christopher’s head and examined hisface. He seemed reassured by what he found there, and traced his fingers downChristopher’s cheek as he said, “Sex with men was always more rewarding for me.I think if I fell in love with a man, then it wouldn’t lose its appeal nomatter how long we were together. Or maybe I’m a fickle asshole. I don’t know.”
“You can’t know until it happens.”And Iwant it to happen with me.Christopher concentrated on keeping his voiceeven. “Otherwise, it’s all speculation.”
“Exactly. But I tortured myself with those kinds ofquestions for months and months, trying to figure out what to do. Then none ofit even mattered in the end.”
“Jesse…” Christopher nuzzled his neck, taking in hismasculine scent overlaid with liquor now. “I’m so sorry.”
“One of the last things she said to me was that she should’veknown better than to marry a gay man.”
“Damn, Jesse.”
“It’s okay. She didn’t say it to hurt me. It wasn’tpassive-aggressive. Just real. I mean, she was sincerely accepting some of theblame for where we were, even though it was all on me.”
“You can’t help who you are.”
Jesse didn’t acknowledge that. “It wasn’t theverylast thing she said to me, though. That was, ‘Can youget Brigid from dance class? I’m going to the store for Will’s allergymedicine.’” He smiled wryly and then let out another heavy sigh. “Will was withNova, thank God.”
“That’s too close.” Christopher thought of Will, hislaughter and easy way, and felt grateful as hell to have the chance to knowhim.
Jesse’s voice was soft when he spoke next, breaking withemotion. “I still love her. She was my girl. My first love. I failed her in ourmarriage, but I’m not going to fail her in this.”
Christopher held him tight and bit back the question he knewhe would ask next. For now, he just wanted to be with Jesse in the moment; letthe quiet of the room and the pounding of their hearts get them through ittogether.
“Tell me more about her,” Christopher said finally, tracinghis fingers over Jesse’s cheek. His skin felt chilly, so Christopher pulled himcloser. “What was she like? Why did you love her?”
Jesse smirked. “When we were kids together, she was a realtigress and no nonsense, but always able to keep up with all my troublemaking.”
Christopher kissed Jesse’s neck and breathed in his scent. “Whatkinds of things did you do?”
“Oh man, so many things. There was the time we went cliffjumping at the bluffs down in Knoxville. We started out at the twenty-five footjump, but we dared each other up to the sixty-five foot jump.” Jesse snortedsoftly. “I’ll never forget her scream when she leaped off the edge. We wentdown together, and when we surfaced, she was laughing.”
“Wow. That’s more daring than I’d ever be. Just watchingpeople jump from those always makes me feel sick,” Christopher said.
Jesse squeezed Christopher’s shoulders. “Promise me you’llkeep your feet on solid ground.”
“You don’t want me to keep up with you?”
Jesse shook his head. “I’m not so wild anymore. TheFirebender makes me puke. The idea of jumping off those cliffs makes melightheaded. Somewhere along the way I grew up and so did she. It was probablyhaving the kids, but eventually I stopped being reckless and it’s not somethingI miss.”
“I was never reckless. That would have brought on too muchattention. I just tried to stay out of everyone’s way.”
