Page 110 of Smoky Mountain Dreams
Christopher grinned. “All right. Why didn’t you change it?”
“Well, at first it was just too funny to change, and mymother loved it, and I don’t know. Will was a baby. We were sleep deprived anddelirious. We didn’t have the mental capacity to even figure out how toaccomplish a do-over.” Jesse sighed, and the smile that had been twinkling inhis eyes faded away. “Then our marriage trouble started and the last thing wewanted to do was start a new home-improvement project. Or even think about ourbedroom, since that was the source of the problems. After a while the room justkind of ceased to exist in my mind. It was a place I slept and a place where wetried not to hurt each other too much with what we wanted and weren’t getting.”
Christopher finished his first cake and started on thesecond, not meeting Jesse’s eyes.
“After the accident, well, I had too much going on to evenconsider what kind of room I wanted for myself. I mean, it took me a longenough time to even believe that she wasn’t going to come back. And then therewere the kids and their grief. There was my fear. My guilt. I was just tryingto keep my head above water as a single dad.”
“You did a great job. The best you could,” Christophermurmured. “You put them first.”
Jesse nodded, rubbing the pad of his thumb over his eyebrow,apparently agreeing with Christopher, but then he said, “For a long time, Ireally didn’t have the space in my mind to think about what I wanted for myselfat all.” He looked at Christopher, his eyes intense and serious. “Do youunderstand? This, you and me, it’s the first time I’ve let myself wantsomething…someone…since the accident. For the first time I’m considering whatlife might look like for me, and for Will and Brigid, if I just let myself…moveon.”
Christopher swallowed, his heart fluttering and his lipstrembling. “I…I’m glad.”
“About the room, it wasn’t until I had you in there nakedthat I suddenly realized, ‘What the fuck am I doing? This isn’t even my room.It’s like I’m fucking him in, I don’t know, some old gay man’s idea of aheterosexual woman’s boudoir.’”
“Yeah?”
Jesse laughed, his dark curls shaking with it. “Yeah. Imean, what the hell? Jungle-scapes? Toucans? I need to do something about that.”He stopped laughing, growing more serious as he finished up his second ZebraCake and opened another package, taking out one and handing Christopher theother, though Christopher hadn’t finished his first package yet. “And Irealized that was basically my whole life. A gay man’s idea of a heterosexuallife. That bedroom is pretty much exactly what was wrong with my marriage. Itwasn’t me. It wasn’t even us.”
“Marriage wasn’t you?”
“No, being married to a woman—living this life and beingthis person. It wasn’t who were we supposed to be in the end. I mean, don’t getme wrong, I think Will and Brigid were supposed to happen. But I think in theend we’d have divorced, stayed friends, and Brigid and Will would’ve ended upwith a couple of stepfathers.”
“Stepfathers?”
“Marcy’s husband and…the man I fell for.” Jesse met hiseyes. “Because this feels like it was always coming along, doesn’t it? You andme. This. Us. Here and now in this room. Eating Zebra Cakes, drinking wine,talking about the disaster of my room. The disaster of my life.”
Christopher’s heart skipped.Us.“Youbelieve in that kind of thing?”
Jesse seemed to ponder the question. “I believe that not toolong ago the best things in the atmosphere of this house were at the bottom,put down shortly after it was built: baby laughter, love, and optimism. Andthen—” Jesse moved his hand up to show a middle area of the room. “There wasanger, and disappointment, hurt and humiliation. After the accident the housefilled up with loss, tears, and a top-note of grim determination.” He shook hishead. “Will eventually healed enough to add a decent dose of happy-go-luckythat took the edge off the misery, thank God. But Brigid and I didn’t do muchto improve the atmosphere here. Then you came over, just a few times now, andsomehow you’ve added music and sex and noodle wars to the mix. It’s made thehouse feel better than it ever did before. And that’s because of you.”
“Jesse…” Christopher’s chest ached beautifully.
“I know—it’s too soon.”
“No, it’s not. I care about you too. You make me feelimportant.”
“You are important.”
“You show me that all the time. By making the time for me.”Christopher smiled ruefully. “I’d have been a great booty call for you, youknow? I’d have happily hooked up with you over and over and never asked foranything more. But you gave me so much more than that—texts, calls, dates.”
Jesse took his hand and stroked his thumb gently overChristopher’s skin. “Chris, you’re selling yourself short. As usual. I didn’tdo those things because I took pity on you or something. I did it because Ienjoy being with you.”
“I know, but I’ve never had anyone show that much interestand simple consideration. I’ve never felt like someone sees me and thinks I’mimportant—like they value me in their lives. I mean, Gran did. But never a guy.”
“Let’s value each other, Chris. Really, let’s do it. Let’stake it as far as we can make it go.”
Christopher stared, his mouth gone dry. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, let’s…be important to each other. Let’s see whatthat looks like. I want to make you part of this house. Part of our lives.”
“Really?” He was breathless, his heart pounding.
“Hell yeah. I want you here a lot, all the time. I’m notasking you to move in. That’s a way off still, but I want to wake up knowing I’llsee you. Maybe not every day, but most days.” He squeezed Christopher’s hand. “Chris,I want you to spend the holiday with us. Say you will.”
“Spend Christmas with you?”
“Yeah. It’ll be you and me and Brigid and Will. It’ll begreat. A real stay-at-home Christmas. A family Christmas.”
