Page 144 of Smoky Mountain Dreams
“Shh,” Jesse soothed, rubbing his back. “It’s gonna be okay,babe. I love you. And I know it hurts now, but I swear it’s gonna be okay.”
Christopher didn’t know how it could be when Gran was goneand his family was a horror movie or a ridiculous, nasty farce, but he wantedto believe it was true. As he curled up naked against Jesse, their bodies slickwith sex, he cried with grief, pain, and humiliation, holding onto Jesse andhis promises like a lifeboat.
“We need to talk about Marcy,” Jesse said, hoping hedidn’t sound like he was as nervous as he felt. This was the real reason he’ddropped the kids off with Amanda so that he and Christopher could eat breakfastalone.
Christopher looked up from the chocolate chip pancakes he’dbeen devouring, and then glanced around the Cracker Barrel dining room. “We do?”
“I owe you a massive apology for saying the things I did toyou. It was inexcusable. Saying you weren’t family was the worst of it.”
“You want to talk about this here? Besides, you alreadyapologized.”
“We still need to talk about it more. I put it off allweekend because I’m scared of what you’ll say if I remind you of it.”
Christopher laughed in obvious disbelief. “What, you thoughtI’d forgotten what an asshole you were in the haze of my sadness over Gran orsomething?”
“Maybe I’d hoped you had?”
Christopher shrugged. “Nope. No such luck. But we all saystuff when we’re angry. Or when we’re scared. And I know how protective you areof her.”
“It’s no excuse.”
“No, maybe not. But the truth is I had no business beingthere. We both know that.”
“You did. As a performer.Andasmy boyfriend.”
“Maybe. But I didn’t have permission.”
“You do now. I want you in my life and that means being inher life too.” Jesse cleared his throat before saying the hardest part. “Well,unless I…let her go.”
Christopher tilted his head. “What do you mean? I thought itwas her sister who wanted to keep her this way?”
“It is. I mean, I could stop visiting every week. Leave hercare up to Tim and Nova.” Jesse hesitated. “I can do that if you want. If it’sbetween continuing to take care of Marcy and having this with you, I chooseyou.”
Christopher blinked a little, and took another bite ofpancakes, chewing slowly and swallowing. “What kind of asshole would it make meif I asked you do that?” he finally said.
“An honest one? I wouldn’t want to share you with someoneelse. Not some past lover, and I understand—”
Christopher held out his hand. “She’s Brigid and Will’s mom.She’s your wife. I can’t…I won’t ever ask you to walk away from what you thinkyou owe her. If it was me…” He looked away and shuddered, and Jesse knew he wasremembering what he’d seen in Marcy’s room. “I guess if it was me, I’d want youto move on and not come see me anymore. Because I wouldn’t want you to rememberme like that. I’d want you to remember me the way I am now.”
Shoving aside the grip of unreasonable fear that the man he’dallowed himself to love might ever end up like Marcy, Jesse assured him, “Christopher,I couldn’t ever abandon you.”
“I’d want you to, though.” Christopher smiled sadly. “Butshe’s not me and I don’t know what she would have wanted. All I know is whatyou want and I honor that. I respect it.”
Jesse cleared his throat. He knew that Marcy would be likeChristopher. She wouldn’t want him to spend as much time as he did at thenursing home. Would she want him to fight for her to be disconnected? Maybe.But she wouldn’t want him visiting her empty body.
“So, let that go, Jesse. I guess it was good that I saw whata massive dick you can be when you’re feeling threatened. It showed me what Ican expect if someone ever tries to hurt me or the kids.” He grinned. “You’re ashithead when you go into mama bear mode.”
Jesse snorted. “I’m just a shithead period.”
“No, not really. Only when you’re protecting someone you love.”
Jesse sighed and poured more syrup on his bacon. He took upa sweet, savory piece and bit into it.
“I don’t really want to talk about this anymore,”Christopher said. “It’s over and in the past. I just want to move forward withyou.”
“I don’t deserve your forgiveness—”
“Screw that. I want to give it to you.”
