Page 69 of Smoky Mountain Dreams
“Hell no. Ilikeseeing you.”Jesse wondered if Christopher realized that this Cades Cove excursion marked amonth since they’d met. He still couldn’t believe the luck of Christophercoming to him about his grandmother’s locket. It sometimes stuck Jesse as tooperfect, and that terrified him and gave him comfort all at once.
Christopher worried at his lip, looking like his next wordscost him a bit. “We could still hook up.”
“No. Sex aside, you’re interesting, and you make mefeel…hopeful.” Jesse felt his own cheeks get hot. He’d wanted to say happy. He’dwanted to say that Christopher made him feel in love for the first time inyears and years. “Should I turn in my man-card now?”
“If expressing what you want and feel means you can’t be aman, then this society has a really fucked-up view of masculinity.”
Jesse chuckled. “Have you seen this society? Just walk downthe street in Gatlinburg to see prime examples of this culture’s masculinity.”
Christopher rolled his eyes. “When I walk down the street inGatlinburg, you know what I see? A bunch of mama’s boys. Tender-hearted mama’sboys.”
Jesse laughed. “That’s true too.” He looked more closely atChristopher and smiled at the dark smudges beneath his lower lashes. “You stillhave eyeliner left over from your show.”
Christopher rubbed at his right eye with his thumb. “I wasin a hurry. Guess I didn’t wash up too well.”
“It’s nice on you.”
Christopher laughed softly. “Thanks. Does it remind you ofyour misbegotten teenage goth years?”
“Saw that photo, did you?”
“Yeah. You were adorable.”
“Youareadorable.”
Christopher blushed and gazed at where the sun was loweringtoward the mountains. “I like how I feel when I’m with you.”
Jesse’s heart thudded, his whole body tingled, and he wantedto laugh, or kiss him, or yell his feelings until they echoed from themountains. “Me too.”
“You know, I’m not sure I’ve ever been with a bi guy before.”
“How do you feel about it?”
“To be honest, it makes me a little nervous. Hard to knowwho the competition is.”
Jesse’s eyes lowered and then came up to meet Christopher’s.“Maybe the problem is in thinking that it’s a competition. Something either is,or it isn’t. And nothing really changes that.”
“It’s just…I’ve never been the one someone chooses, youknow? I’m second choice. I was for my mom and dad. Always the understudy inhigh school plays. The guy they play the jukebox over when he performs in bars.The one who gets dropped as soon as the ex returns from Afghanistan.”
“What is it with Afghanistan?” Jesse mused, a half-chuckleout of his mouth, but not really feeling it, concern for Christopher winningout.
Christopher ignored him. “I’m not trying to throw a pityparty here, but the fact that you’re bi sort of triggers my fear that maybe youlike dick second best, and by default, you like me second best.”
“It doesn’t work like that.” Except that it did. At leastwhen it came to Jesse. Only it was the exact opposite, and that was Jesse’sshameful secret that he just wasn’t quite ready to share with Christopher yet.
“It doesn’t matter if it does or doesn’t. That’s a thought Ihave and I needed to tell you about it. And then there are your kids, andof coursethey have to come first. I wouldn’t want to bewith a guy who didn’t put his kids first, because I was on the receiving end ofparenting like that and it sucks.”
“Christopher—”
“Wait, just let me make an asshole of myself and get it overwith, okay? Then we can eat, and you can digest what an idiot I am, and then…we’llsee what happens after that.”
Jesse nodded, wishing he had pen and paper so he could takenotes on all the things he wanted to explain to Christopher, and all the waysChristopher’s fears were—Jesse hoped—wrong.
“What I’m saying is that I’m used to being second choice.You don’t have to feel bad about that when it comes to the kids. And if dick isyour second choice, well, hopefully there’s something else between us that willmake it worth it to you. I kind of feel like there could be.”
“There is.”
“Okay, because what I really want, more than being someone’sfirst choice, is just to have you see me. Like have someone really, truly seeme.” Christopher cleared his throat, messed around with the hem of his jeansand then looked back up at Jesse. “I did my best invisible boy act most of mylife. I perfected the art of being bland, boring, dull. I never did anything todraw attention to myself because it was too dangerous.”
